originally written May 2010
I took away SO much from Lee and Bob Woodruff's book In an instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing. I have attached a long list of quotes that struck a chord with me - I hope you enjoy them. Later in this blog I will discuss my journey a little more and explain just why these specific quoes freally hit home with me so stay tuned and see what is yet to come. I hope that you can take away something real and meaningful from these quotes, I know I did. I also feel like if given the opportunity I would totally be friends with Lee Woodruff, she is quick and smart and she gets my offbeat sense of humor, while I may offend some people sometimes I truly believe she would find me entertaining.
In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"The cognitive injuries a person could suffer were impossible to predict at this stage. Each brain injury is highly individual, and recovery still remains somewhat of a mystery to medical science. But the more faculties a person has going into an injury - intelligence, motivation, engagement in life, even support from family and friends - the better the prospects for recovery." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"This kind of injury...it is complicated. It takes a long time for the brain to heal; it's about patience. Always remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Healing from brain injuries can easily take up to eighteen months, even two years." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"People responded to tragedy in so many different ways. I would lead the charge with my offbeat sense of humor and somehow, by doing that, give everyone permission to laugh. Laughter would keep us sane, it would provide relief. Even laughter was a tiny way to take action." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"It was easy to hear the word injury and assume that meant it would be a matter of weeks before things knitted themselves back together. A sane person, a person whose mind was not in the zone, would have taken one look at Bob and wondered if he would survive, let alone ever function again." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Gallows humor has its roots in the quest for sanity. When the situation is so black, so dark, that grief or fear threatens to overwhelm, there is nothing like a good joke or two to resuscitate hope." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"the brain is a big hurdle. There is no way to say how much will come back." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"The magnitude of the story and how our family's experience would touch a chord. ...but with countless others who had suffered grave injuries and fought hard to recover. " In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"If you are a person who sharpens pencils for a living and you have a brain injury, you will probably not have as many neurons from your former life to help rehabilitate yourself." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"recovery from a brain injury would seem eternal. Improvement would occur at a snail's pace. If anyone believed this would be a smile healing, like breaking a leg, they needed to think again." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"If I had only known then how wonderful it was, that simplicity of life's everyday routine" In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"No matter how black the hours, light, laughter, and feeling will slowly begin to trickle back one day." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"But I also learned that the scar is always there, just below the undergarments, although the raw wound may close. And when you turn, examining yourself at the end of the day before bed, it is you who can see it best in the mirror." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"there are no shortcuts to healing. There is no circumventing the pain. To truly heal, you must walk right through the blazing core of grief and face it head on, every agonizing day. Only then can you begin to take baby steps towards recovery." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"There are no good luck charms, no talismans or deals with the devil. Misfortune and trouble can find you at any time." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"characteristics common to traumatic brain injuries. many people with head injuries exhibit actions that are inappropriate: agitation, frustration, and outbursts not unlike an infant's." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Abnormal behavior might simply become part of what Bob's therapists would teach me to call "the new normal"." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"With most brain injuries, the filter in our heads that we all use to get along in society slips. People lose their inhibitions in ways both shocking and painful for their loved ones." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"The brain heals in amazing ways, You can't discount that." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"His head wound needed to be stable to heal, and his brain was not yet ready to wake itself up. It was still rebooting; the connections inside were not yet complete." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Remember, love is in the guts and the rest is in the brain." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"emblem for life: the need to be kind to yourself every single day because you simply can't know what is next. " In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"We could finish each other's sentences and use nicknames or code words that made no sense to outsiders." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Sometimes it was easier to operate on blind faith." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"we treasured our friendship like a rainstorm in a desert." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"someone who looks effortlessly put together. one of those rare gals who women and men gravitated toward; the type of person my mother's generation would call lovely. Try as you might to find some reason to dislike her, you simply couldn't. She was intelligent, articulate, giving, and poised, with a wicked sense of humor." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Danger was impossible to avoid. Bad things could happen to people everywhere, no matter how safe they tried to be." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"You can take precautions in life, but they are like seat belts, they won't necessarily keep you safe." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"different ability" In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"We made it impossible for him to take himself too seriously." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I understood the strength of being in the company of women. It was powerfully good medicine." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I have heard it said that when God takes something away he gives something back." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Life is so much more interesting when there is someone you truly respect who is trying to kick your butt, who makes you rise to a higher level to compete. "It raises the level of your game." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"an explosion caused the brain to slosh around against the skull. This sheared off millions of neurons and caused damage that wouldn't be revealed until Bob woke up. Even then it could take time. Sometimes the differences were subtle - slightly impaired judgement or cognitive ability, perhaps - and sometimes they were more grave, like major personality differences. One of the greatest frustrations with a head injury is that while the person might seem just fine to others, things are profoundly changed inside." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Research showed that caregivers routinely reported feeling isolated and trapped." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Damage to the front of the head, or frontal lobe, often resulted in a loss of executive function. This is the part of the brain that organizes our actions without even thinking about it." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Many victims of car accidents whose head slammed into the windshield, or soldiers who had blast injuries, came home "flat" and unemotional. Sometimes the personality came back. More often than not, it didn't." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"People have a whole new appreciation for the value of life, of what it means to be spared." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Everything has to start somewhere as his brain relearns how to give commands to his body." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"It's sad," Dr. M said. "It's sad what happened to you and your children, but I've never seen one family yet who didn't rise to the occasion. People love you and will support you. People put one foot in front of the other every day. They figure out how to do this." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"On the wall opposite my bed there were blown-up photographs of my family, and just looking at them was motivating. Those pictures brought me more than happiness; they gave me a powerful will to recover. " In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Your recovery is going to be painstaking, like the way ants are bailing the tunnels, one grain at a time. But you will get there, I just know it." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Those pentagons represented the two halves of his brain. One contained the love he felt for his family and the gratitude he had for being alive; the other side was the tempest, the horrible raging fear and disorientation that lived in his brain right now, as he tried to make sense of his new world." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Every long-winded well-meaning expression of sympathy was a giant highlighting marker over the fact that I was different." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I wanted people I knew to acknowledge my pain and then move on, with the speed of a wedding receiving line. I wanted, more than anything, to be one of them again." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I saw potential head injuries everywhere." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I had been on go mode, always moving forward, making decisions, not allowing myself to feel very much." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"Although I was often hard on myself and the slow pace of my progress, I could see small changes." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"As much as I loved and respected my therapists, they were not there to give me a break. It was their job to help me put it all back together, to teach me coping skills for my deficits." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"it was a matter of building the new neural connections that led to them. Much of it was time. The brain takes longer to heal than any other organ." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I've earned these scars," he would joke. In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"We've all endured a crisis. And we've survived to feel the miraculous force of recovery at work. What I do know is that I have been blessed. I have been very, very lucky - " In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"The exact extent of my injuries is still difficult to measure, but I see improvement everyday. With the help of intense cognitive rehabilitation, the healing powers of the human body, and the profound support of friends and family, I have come closer to my old self, little by little. But I will never be the same." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"No one can undergo a life-changing event and be the exact same person they were before it happened. I am a more grateful person now, on so many levels. I truly appreciate the depths of friendship and I'm thankful" In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I've also had to relearn how to do certain things I once took for granted." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I'd missed all these people and it was clear they'd missed me too. It felt like coming home." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I have to say that I spent very little time looking back at what was lost." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"traumatic brain injuries: diagnosing the problem is just the beginning. The real work takes place in rehab. ...needs professional cognitive rehabilitation to help connect those neurons, to work with any individual deficits, and to develop coping strategies as they heal. There is so much more to be done on this front." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
"I cannot imagine what it must have felt like to hold my hand, praying that I would wake up and someday recover." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
This blog is about my on-going recovery from a traumatic brain injury, I chose to write about my experiences with the hope that my story will help someone else who may be facing something similar. My story is not meant to make you sad or scared, I will warn you that there are photos from my lengthy stay in the hospital and the photos are somewhat disturbing...my wish is that this story brings you hope!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Lee Woodruff - brain injury seminar
originally written May 2010
As I have said before, the Brain Injury Program at Scripps Encinitas is fabuloso. They called the house one day to ask if my parents and I would be interested in being interviewed and photographed by the Union Tribune newspaper when they covered a story about brain injury and the annual conference being held at Scripps La Jolla this year. And, we were invited to attend the conference and listen to Lee Woodruff speak about brain injury and its affect on her family. She and her husband co wrote a book and if I can get just one person to read their book and begin to understand brain injury then I will feel like my struggle has made a difference. Please read In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing by Lee and Bob Woodruff, its brilliantly written and you will have a greater understanding of Brain Injury when you have read and digested their book.
Caring for brain-injured is subject of seminar
By Keith Darcé, UNION-TRIBUNE STAFF WRITER
Sunday, March 28, 2010 at 12:05 a.m.
(photo from the grocery store goes here)
Steve Schlimmer helped his daughter, Nikki, with a shopping list last week at a supermarket. Nikki Schlimmer suffered a serious brain injury during a fall last year. Her therapy sessions have been cut by her insurer.
LA JOLLA— For Lee Woodruff, wife of the ABC News anchor who was nearly killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq in 2006, the kindest act directed at her after her husband’s injuries came weeks after the explosion.
One of Bob Woodruff’s physical therapists asked Lee Woodruff how she was handling things, the author and TV news editor said yesterday in La Jolla, where she spoke to a packed room of health providers who care for brain-injured patients.
“Floodgates,” Woodruff said, recalling her reaction to the inquiry. “An entire box of tissue was gone.”
More tears came when the therapist began massaging Woodruff’s neck.
“Human touch is so important,” she said.
But doctors, nurses and other caregivers often miss opportunities to offer such simple gestures of comfort to family members of their patients, who can be stricken by depression, fear, isolation and anger over their relative’s debilitations,
Woodruff was the keynote speaker at the fifth annual Brain Injury Rehabilitation Conference sponsored by the Rehabilitation Center at Scripps Memorial Hospital Encinitas. The two-day seminar, held at a conference center at Scripps Memorial Hospital-La Jolla, featured sessions on recent research efforts, emergency room care and sexuality after brain injuries.
Yesterday’s audience included Nikki Schlimmer, 35, who moved in with her parents in the Scripps Ranch area of San Diego in October, nearly three months after she suffered a brain injury.
Schlimmer had been working as a pastry chef at a hotel in Hawaii when she bounced out of a moving Jeep and landed on her head.
After nearly dying from the injuries, Schlimmer returned to San Diego to continue her recovery. Her speech remains stilted and her balance is uncertain. She can’t drive and she hasn’t returned to work.
“It has been difficult to watch her struggle day to day with trying to improve,” said her mother, Lana Schlimmer. “Yet she has been persistent in slow progress that is really miraculous to see.”
A major problem has been getting Nikki Schlimmer’s health insurer to continue paying for therapy sessions with professionals, Lana Schlimmer said. The daughter received care through the brain injury day treatment program at Scripps Memorial Hospital-Encinitas until the insurer cut off funding for the service.
Psychologist Nicole Andreatta told seminar attendees that the lives of family members are significantly altered when they take over the care of a brain-injured relative.
The disruption and stress can lead to increased conflicts, isolation from the outside world and divorce, said Andreatta, who directs an Escondido brain injury center for Learning Services.
Support from health care providers and community services, particularly beyond the second year after the injury occurred, could prevent many of those problems, she said.
Help can even come in the choice of words that health providers use to discuss recovery expectations, Andreatta said.
“When you start talking about the future in terms of what the person was before (the injury), it tends to be more negative,” she said. “But when you talk about moving on to better things to come, that tends to be more helpful.”
Woodruff’s personal struggles have included severe panic attacks, worries about the psychological well-being of her children and overcoming an addiction to sleeping pills, which she wrote about in one of two books about her experiences.
Recalling moments when doctors discussed her husband’s early outlook in discouraging clinical terms, Woodruff exhorted seminar attendees to offer family members reasons for remaining hopeful, no matter how dire the diagnosis for their relatives.
“You have to give me something,” she said. “Tell me the story of the patient who completely surprised you — who defied the odds.”
Woodruff’s husband returned to work as a television journalist more than a year after the roadside bomb crushed the left side of his head and sent rocks and shrapnel ripping through his face and throat. He continues to work as a full-time reporter for ABC.
As I have said before, the Brain Injury Program at Scripps Encinitas is fabuloso. They called the house one day to ask if my parents and I would be interested in being interviewed and photographed by the Union Tribune newspaper when they covered a story about brain injury and the annual conference being held at Scripps La Jolla this year. And, we were invited to attend the conference and listen to Lee Woodruff speak about brain injury and its affect on her family. She and her husband co wrote a book and if I can get just one person to read their book and begin to understand brain injury then I will feel like my struggle has made a difference. Please read In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing by Lee and Bob Woodruff, its brilliantly written and you will have a greater understanding of Brain Injury when you have read and digested their book.
Caring for brain-injured is subject of seminar
By Keith Darcé, UNION-TRIBUNE STAFF WRITER
Sunday, March 28, 2010 at 12:05 a.m.
(photo from the grocery store goes here)
Steve Schlimmer helped his daughter, Nikki, with a shopping list last week at a supermarket. Nikki Schlimmer suffered a serious brain injury during a fall last year. Her therapy sessions have been cut by her insurer.
LA JOLLA— For Lee Woodruff, wife of the ABC News anchor who was nearly killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq in 2006, the kindest act directed at her after her husband’s injuries came weeks after the explosion.
One of Bob Woodruff’s physical therapists asked Lee Woodruff how she was handling things, the author and TV news editor said yesterday in La Jolla, where she spoke to a packed room of health providers who care for brain-injured patients.
“Floodgates,” Woodruff said, recalling her reaction to the inquiry. “An entire box of tissue was gone.”
More tears came when the therapist began massaging Woodruff’s neck.
“Human touch is so important,” she said.
But doctors, nurses and other caregivers often miss opportunities to offer such simple gestures of comfort to family members of their patients, who can be stricken by depression, fear, isolation and anger over their relative’s debilitations,
Woodruff was the keynote speaker at the fifth annual Brain Injury Rehabilitation Conference sponsored by the Rehabilitation Center at Scripps Memorial Hospital Encinitas. The two-day seminar, held at a conference center at Scripps Memorial Hospital-La Jolla, featured sessions on recent research efforts, emergency room care and sexuality after brain injuries.
Yesterday’s audience included Nikki Schlimmer, 35, who moved in with her parents in the Scripps Ranch area of San Diego in October, nearly three months after she suffered a brain injury.
Schlimmer had been working as a pastry chef at a hotel in Hawaii when she bounced out of a moving Jeep and landed on her head.
After nearly dying from the injuries, Schlimmer returned to San Diego to continue her recovery. Her speech remains stilted and her balance is uncertain. She can’t drive and she hasn’t returned to work.
“It has been difficult to watch her struggle day to day with trying to improve,” said her mother, Lana Schlimmer. “Yet she has been persistent in slow progress that is really miraculous to see.”
A major problem has been getting Nikki Schlimmer’s health insurer to continue paying for therapy sessions with professionals, Lana Schlimmer said. The daughter received care through the brain injury day treatment program at Scripps Memorial Hospital-Encinitas until the insurer cut off funding for the service.
Psychologist Nicole Andreatta told seminar attendees that the lives of family members are significantly altered when they take over the care of a brain-injured relative.
The disruption and stress can lead to increased conflicts, isolation from the outside world and divorce, said Andreatta, who directs an Escondido brain injury center for Learning Services.
Support from health care providers and community services, particularly beyond the second year after the injury occurred, could prevent many of those problems, she said.
Help can even come in the choice of words that health providers use to discuss recovery expectations, Andreatta said.
“When you start talking about the future in terms of what the person was before (the injury), it tends to be more negative,” she said. “But when you talk about moving on to better things to come, that tends to be more helpful.”
Woodruff’s personal struggles have included severe panic attacks, worries about the psychological well-being of her children and overcoming an addiction to sleeping pills, which she wrote about in one of two books about her experiences.
Recalling moments when doctors discussed her husband’s early outlook in discouraging clinical terms, Woodruff exhorted seminar attendees to offer family members reasons for remaining hopeful, no matter how dire the diagnosis for their relatives.
“You have to give me something,” she said. “Tell me the story of the patient who completely surprised you — who defied the odds.”
Woodruff’s husband returned to work as a television journalist more than a year after the roadside bomb crushed the left side of his head and sent rocks and shrapnel ripping through his face and throat. He continues to work as a full-time reporter for ABC.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Acupuncture
originally written May 2010
My orthopaedist suggested I try acupuncture and massage to help relieve the pain radiating from where I broke my clavicle. The acupuncturist said he will try to "re-wire" me. I have only had one appointment so far but I think it helped! For several days following the appointment last week I was able to move my left hand better and the pain in my shoulder was not as bad as it normally is, I am so excited about this I cannot even begin to explain it to you! Having my left hand function at a more normal pace is amazing, I didn't realize how poorly it was moving in the first place. I knew it was slower and I've never been left handed so it was a little tough to judge but when it started moving at a more regular speed and I didn't have to focus all of my energy into making it do "normal" things I cannot tell you what a relief I feel! Now, if we can just figure out a way for my right side to stop being so damn cold I would feel like a million bucks!
Today was my second acupuncture appointment, today he worked on my brain. How scary is it to have someone poke needles into your brain and other places (gotta love that Chinese medicine)!? Yes, I have several tattoos, yes, I might get a few more but let me tell you - I still have a bizarre fear/dislike of needles, go figure.
My orthopaedist suggested I try acupuncture and massage to help relieve the pain radiating from where I broke my clavicle. The acupuncturist said he will try to "re-wire" me. I have only had one appointment so far but I think it helped! For several days following the appointment last week I was able to move my left hand better and the pain in my shoulder was not as bad as it normally is, I am so excited about this I cannot even begin to explain it to you! Having my left hand function at a more normal pace is amazing, I didn't realize how poorly it was moving in the first place. I knew it was slower and I've never been left handed so it was a little tough to judge but when it started moving at a more regular speed and I didn't have to focus all of my energy into making it do "normal" things I cannot tell you what a relief I feel! Now, if we can just figure out a way for my right side to stop being so damn cold I would feel like a million bucks!
Today was my second acupuncture appointment, today he worked on my brain. How scary is it to have someone poke needles into your brain and other places (gotta love that Chinese medicine)!? Yes, I have several tattoos, yes, I might get a few more but let me tell you - I still have a bizarre fear/dislike of needles, go figure.
Niall tattooing me in my kitchen - weird but fun! No, its not small but its awesome!
My third acupuncture appointment was yesterday and once again, I love it! I'm still hoping to see more improvement in my motor skills and hopefully the temperature on my right side will become bearable. Justin says that acupuncture tries to teach your body to "heal itself".
Acupuncture is a Chinese therapy that has been used for centuries. It is based on the theory that there is energy, called chi or qi, flowing through your body. Chi is thought to flow along energy pathways called meridians. Acupuncturists believe a blocking or imbalance of the flow of chi at any point on a pathway may result in illness. Chinese medicine practitioners believe acupuncture unblocks and rebalances the flow of chi to restore health
Acupuncture is considered a holistic approach to curing disorders and discomfort in the body’s system. It is the Asian way of cleansing the body from these illnesses, working its way to clear the natural flow of energy inside the body, as they are weakened or blocked by certain conditions, whether physical or psychological.
Monday, November 15, 2010
11.
Written April 2010
Someone asked me the other day "Why are you writing a blog, what are you going to write about?" Immediately I thought "Didn't you see Julie and Julia?" Obviously I think my story should be turned into a movie, just the way "Julie's" was. I would love it if my story was interesting enough to be made into a movie - but my life is actually a little boring these days. I wake up, have breakfast and look at my day. I might have a doctors appointment, I might have therapy. I might vounteer at the library, I might play Wi, I might walk at the lake, I might make it to the gym, it almost never changes. Sometimes I have plans with my friends if I'm lucky but everyone has their own life and with those lives come responsibilities and schedules that don't allow them to put me in the limelight all of the time . Which is actually a good thing because I am not comfortable when I am the center of attention, I feel most comfortable when I am a little bit on the outside, looking in. Of course, I like to have a front row seat and be close to the center of attention because I do not want to miss anything! Thankfully, my friends don't mind coming to pick me up and driving wherever we may be going. I am grateful everyday that my friends are there to support me and pick up the pieces when I start to drop them. It's amazing how lonely life can be when you don't have socialization forced on you, when you can't just hop in the car and run errands or when you don't have a job to go to everyday. I catch myself looking back at pictures of times pre-accident when everything was just easier. I didn't appreciate it at the time but it amazes me to think aboutt the time when I didn't have to pre-plan my every move.
Someone asked me the other day "Why are you writing a blog, what are you going to write about?" Immediately I thought "Didn't you see Julie and Julia?" Obviously I think my story should be turned into a movie, just the way "Julie's" was. I would love it if my story was interesting enough to be made into a movie - but my life is actually a little boring these days. I wake up, have breakfast and look at my day. I might have a doctors appointment, I might have therapy. I might vounteer at the library, I might play Wi, I might walk at the lake, I might make it to the gym, it almost never changes. Sometimes I have plans with my friends if I'm lucky but everyone has their own life and with those lives come responsibilities and schedules that don't allow them to put me in the limelight all of the time . Which is actually a good thing because I am not comfortable when I am the center of attention, I feel most comfortable when I am a little bit on the outside, looking in. Of course, I like to have a front row seat and be close to the center of attention because I do not want to miss anything! Thankfully, my friends don't mind coming to pick me up and driving wherever we may be going. I am grateful everyday that my friends are there to support me and pick up the pieces when I start to drop them. It's amazing how lonely life can be when you don't have socialization forced on you, when you can't just hop in the car and run errands or when you don't have a job to go to everyday. I catch myself looking back at pictures of times pre-accident when everything was just easier. I didn't appreciate it at the time but it amazes me to think aboutt the time when I didn't have to pre-plan my every move.
Yes, things were easier awhile ago but I honestly think I like myself a little bit more now. I think about others more, I look for the good in people, I am better at understanding hard times, I am more patient with people than I used to be. I wish that I would have come to this epiphany on my own but I didn't, maybe that is the reason for this accident. I am finally OK with being alone, maybe I won't find my forever with someone else and for the first time I can honestly say that no longer scares the shit out of me.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
10.
Originally written in April 2010
I have recently decided to look at the pictures my Mom took of me in the hospital (many of which you are seeing on this blog). I asked Laura, Kate, and Caryn to be here with me while I see the photos for the first time. Kate came to Hawaii and saw me in the hospital so she knew what to expect. She showed a picture of me in the hospital to Laura, Laura said it made her cry. I don't expect that they will be easy to see but I am hoping to use the photos as a motivational tool. I no longer see the improvement that other people point out to me now. I made big strides quickly in the beginning of my recovery and the doctors and therapists warned me that things would slow down considerably at some point. I am thinking that if I see where it all started I will be able to see how far I've actually come. I do think that I should mention just how amazing these ladies are to come and stand by my side while I looked at some very gnarly pictures from my time in the hospital. Caryn was in a horrible accident years ago and viewing these photos must have been especially hard for her, yet she was there, she looked at the photos and she encourages me to keep working. She knows exactly what it takes to fight your way back from an accident. Here is where I will say, I am so grateful and so thankful to have a solid team of great friends to stand beside me during this trying time. I will keep working at getting better and I promise you that someday ,in the not too distant future, we will look back at this time and be amazed that we had to face such a crazy obstacle.
Recently I began looking at my situation in a little bit different light, I stopped saying "IF". If I work again, If I drive again, If I live on my own again... I simply started saying "WHEN". When I work again, when I drive again, when I live on my own again - I believe these things will happen, the brain heals at its own pace so now I just have to be patient and wait for the healing to be complete. Anyone that knows me knows I am not great at waiting, but they also know that when I get an idea in my head I will do my damnedest to see that it happens (go to culinary school, get a good job in my field of choice, move to Hawaii, keep up with friends, get a tattoo - or 4). So I am saying wait and see, watch me continue to make improvements and get my life back in order. I am determined to make believers out of anyone my life or my story comes in contact with so wait and see what happens.
I am getting positive feedback from my physical therapist, which is making me feel somewhat invincible. Its nice to hear that people still see the improvements that I no longer see. If I can keep believing that my own version of therapy-at-home is making a difference then I might just be able to continue getting better.
I am getting positive feedback from my physical therapist, which is making me feel somewhat invincible. Its nice to hear that people still see the improvements that I no longer see. If I can keep believing that my own version of therapy-at-home is making a difference then I might just be able to continue getting better.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
9.
Originally written in April 2010
Recently the topic of dating again has come up, I don't even know where to begin. I was never very good at dating to begin with. As far as me dating again, I just don't see it happening. The last time I successfully dated a good man I was in high school - and yes, my dating history is really as pathetic as it sounds. I cannot imagine meeting someone, explaining my injuries, and then having someone subject themselves to the questioning, expectations, and the pressures from my friends and family. I think my friends and my family are amazing and anyone would be lucky to find themselves in the company of my homies... at the same time I know there is a defensive wall built around me and I don't think that many men will willingly scale that wall. I do know that it would be hard for me to trust again, hard to believe that someone will show up when they say they will, hard to rely on them to drive me from place to place safely, hard to believe that anyone would be willing to put up with the restraints of my head injury. I think that it would take a hell of a guy to make me feel safe, I think that I will be so much more cautious about who I let into my life now. I will have to truly believe that my safety and my comfort level will be carefully considered before I trust anyone with my well-being. I move more slowly than I used to, my voice is different, its hard for me to stay on the phone for any length of time, I have to concentrate much harder on simple things,etc. etc.. I guess as anything - time will tell. Wish me luck and hope for the best!
Recently the topic of dating again has come up, I don't even know where to begin. I was never very good at dating to begin with. As far as me dating again, I just don't see it happening. The last time I successfully dated a good man I was in high school - and yes, my dating history is really as pathetic as it sounds. I cannot imagine meeting someone, explaining my injuries, and then having someone subject themselves to the questioning, expectations, and the pressures from my friends and family. I think my friends and my family are amazing and anyone would be lucky to find themselves in the company of my homies... at the same time I know there is a defensive wall built around me and I don't think that many men will willingly scale that wall. I do know that it would be hard for me to trust again, hard to believe that someone will show up when they say they will, hard to rely on them to drive me from place to place safely, hard to believe that anyone would be willing to put up with the restraints of my head injury. I think that it would take a hell of a guy to make me feel safe, I think that I will be so much more cautious about who I let into my life now. I will have to truly believe that my safety and my comfort level will be carefully considered before I trust anyone with my well-being. I move more slowly than I used to, my voice is different, its hard for me to stay on the phone for any length of time, I have to concentrate much harder on simple things,etc. etc.. I guess as anything - time will tell. Wish me luck and hope for the best!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
8.
Originally written in April 2010
I got great news recently - back to therapy for me! My insurance switched tactics and as of April 1st they have erased all therapy received in 2010 and allow you 8 visits of physical therapy and 8 visits of occupational therapy without having to get pre approval. Yay! So I am back at it once again and it looks like I have improved once again, can't wait to feel like I have a good handle on my fine motor skills again!
I got great news recently - back to therapy for me! My insurance switched tactics and as of April 1st they have erased all therapy received in 2010 and allow you 8 visits of physical therapy and 8 visits of occupational therapy without having to get pre approval. Yay! So I am back at it once again and it looks like I have improved once again, can't wait to feel like I have a good handle on my fine motor skills again!
Lauren had these Team Nikki shirts printed while I was in lala (coma) land. Every time I wear mine I am reminded of the love and support from my friends and family, and it pushes me to work that much harder to recover. Plus, my shirt is pink; how could I not love it?
Monday, November 8, 2010
7.
originally written in April 2010
I have stayed in touch with several of the people from the Rehab of the Pacific, they asked me to write an article about my recovery for a newsletter to be distributed in March. This is what I came up with:
Nikki's TBI recovery story
"I remember realizing I was in a hospital, and I saw my Mom which made me know I was safe. I remember all the different therapists and the doctor from the rehab hospital but I had no idea why I was there or how long I had been there. The story goes something like this: I was a passenger in a jeep and somehow I was ejected from said jeep. I broke 4 ribs, a lot of the small bones in my face as well as my left clavicle. Lastly, I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury. I was taken to the Kona Hospital on the Big Island following the accident but it was determined that I needed more help than they could provide, I was life flighted to Queens hospital on Oahu. I endured three weeks in a coma and several more weeks of semi-comatose behavior. There is a large void in my memory surrounding the accident and the beginnings of my recovery. From what I understand I was polite and not too difficult. I was transferred to the Rehab hospital of the Pacific, also in Oahu. I know that I am lucky that the medical professionals and therapists assigned to my case were all determined to help me get better. I now have a vision deficit, my vestibular system throws alot of curve balls my way. My balance has been greatly affected and I am diligently working to re-train my brain to function in my new life. I much later heard the story of the accident that changed my life. I am so grateful to my family and to the friends (who are now considered family) that gave of their time, thoughts, prayers, and energy because without them I honestly don't know if I could have made it this far. I am so grateful that I do not remember the car accident that landed me in this mess. I do not want to be afraid to be a passenger in a vehicle. Hopefully one day I will be able to drive myself again.
How has life changed? How hasn't it. I try not to zero in on what I have lost but appreciate what I still have. Of course things like medical insurance and social security disability make it a challenge! I no longer live on my own, I no longer make a salary for doing a job that I love, I speak slower, my voice is different. I have to concentrate to make sure my body functions in a somewhat "normal" fashion. I can walk, talk, see, hear, taste and try to do better. It has been a personal battle just to get here and I want to go further. I want to go back to working a fulfilling career, I want to drive again, I want to live on my own again. I want all of those things yesterday, and I want for this nightmare to have never happened, but it did and now its my duty to do everything I can to get better. Now I wear glasses which means I can see where I'm walking, I don't run into things, and I won't injure myself by cooking in the kitchen (the dangers of sharp knives and heat are greater for anyone with a TBI). It's shocking to me that once upon a time I didn't have to do things so slowly, that it was just second nature to do simple things like walk one step down into the garage, cross the street, exercise, concentrate for long periods of time. I very recently hit the six month anniversary of my accident. I do not know what my future holds and I can honestly tell you that I am tired. I am tired of fighting this uphill battle, I am tired of having to try so hard, but this is my reality. All of the broken bones have healed - there are thankfully few scars. I do have one shoulder that still causes me pain, but I am working on that with my doctors. I had to stop going to the brain injury rehab program in December because my medical insurance didn't think I needed anymore therapy. I was also recently denied social security disability. It infuriates me that people that have never met me have any modicum of control over my life. They say I'm disabled, just not disabled enough. What I need right now is a little help, I'm asking for a little monetary assistance to help ends meet while I fight this battle. What really infuriates me is that I was a contributing member of society, I worked, I voted, I paid taxes. Now I have to jump through innumerable hoops to see if I qualify for things. My family helps me fill out crazy amounts of paperwork, I am assigned to see doctors who are strangers to me yet they have deciding powers. What I want for myself is a quality of life comparable to the life I led before. I will accept the changes that come along but I don't have to like it. For now I can work hard and hope for more. I believe in the power of positive thinking and I will persevere...watch me".
Supposedly, this story will be printed in a newsletter at the Rehab of the Pacific. Once I get this blog posted I would like for my therapists at the Rehab of the Pacific and at the Brain Injury Program at Scripps Encinitas to be able to access my story to possibly inspire anyone who is at a different stage of their recovery. Recovery is possible, it seems huge and unattainable but trust me, with alot effort and endless amounts of hope you can get better! I do realize that I sound like an after school special but I am living proof that although things may seem unattainable, reach a little further and I think you will be amazed at what can happen.
I have stayed in touch with several of the people from the Rehab of the Pacific, they asked me to write an article about my recovery for a newsletter to be distributed in March. This is what I came up with:
Nikki's TBI recovery story
"I remember realizing I was in a hospital, and I saw my Mom which made me know I was safe. I remember all the different therapists and the doctor from the rehab hospital but I had no idea why I was there or how long I had been there. The story goes something like this: I was a passenger in a jeep and somehow I was ejected from said jeep. I broke 4 ribs, a lot of the small bones in my face as well as my left clavicle. Lastly, I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury. I was taken to the Kona Hospital on the Big Island following the accident but it was determined that I needed more help than they could provide, I was life flighted to Queens hospital on Oahu. I endured three weeks in a coma and several more weeks of semi-comatose behavior. There is a large void in my memory surrounding the accident and the beginnings of my recovery. From what I understand I was polite and not too difficult. I was transferred to the Rehab hospital of the Pacific, also in Oahu. I know that I am lucky that the medical professionals and therapists assigned to my case were all determined to help me get better. I now have a vision deficit, my vestibular system throws alot of curve balls my way. My balance has been greatly affected and I am diligently working to re-train my brain to function in my new life. I much later heard the story of the accident that changed my life. I am so grateful to my family and to the friends (who are now considered family) that gave of their time, thoughts, prayers, and energy because without them I honestly don't know if I could have made it this far. I am so grateful that I do not remember the car accident that landed me in this mess. I do not want to be afraid to be a passenger in a vehicle. Hopefully one day I will be able to drive myself again.
How has life changed? How hasn't it. I try not to zero in on what I have lost but appreciate what I still have. Of course things like medical insurance and social security disability make it a challenge! I no longer live on my own, I no longer make a salary for doing a job that I love, I speak slower, my voice is different. I have to concentrate to make sure my body functions in a somewhat "normal" fashion. I can walk, talk, see, hear, taste and try to do better. It has been a personal battle just to get here and I want to go further. I want to go back to working a fulfilling career, I want to drive again, I want to live on my own again. I want all of those things yesterday, and I want for this nightmare to have never happened, but it did and now its my duty to do everything I can to get better. Now I wear glasses which means I can see where I'm walking, I don't run into things, and I won't injure myself by cooking in the kitchen (the dangers of sharp knives and heat are greater for anyone with a TBI). It's shocking to me that once upon a time I didn't have to do things so slowly, that it was just second nature to do simple things like walk one step down into the garage, cross the street, exercise, concentrate for long periods of time. I very recently hit the six month anniversary of my accident. I do not know what my future holds and I can honestly tell you that I am tired. I am tired of fighting this uphill battle, I am tired of having to try so hard, but this is my reality. All of the broken bones have healed - there are thankfully few scars. I do have one shoulder that still causes me pain, but I am working on that with my doctors. I had to stop going to the brain injury rehab program in December because my medical insurance didn't think I needed anymore therapy. I was also recently denied social security disability. It infuriates me that people that have never met me have any modicum of control over my life. They say I'm disabled, just not disabled enough. What I need right now is a little help, I'm asking for a little monetary assistance to help ends meet while I fight this battle. What really infuriates me is that I was a contributing member of society, I worked, I voted, I paid taxes. Now I have to jump through innumerable hoops to see if I qualify for things. My family helps me fill out crazy amounts of paperwork, I am assigned to see doctors who are strangers to me yet they have deciding powers. What I want for myself is a quality of life comparable to the life I led before. I will accept the changes that come along but I don't have to like it. For now I can work hard and hope for more. I believe in the power of positive thinking and I will persevere...watch me".
Supposedly, this story will be printed in a newsletter at the Rehab of the Pacific. Once I get this blog posted I would like for my therapists at the Rehab of the Pacific and at the Brain Injury Program at Scripps Encinitas to be able to access my story to possibly inspire anyone who is at a different stage of their recovery. Recovery is possible, it seems huge and unattainable but trust me, with alot effort and endless amounts of hope you can get better! I do realize that I sound like an after school special but I am living proof that although things may seem unattainable, reach a little further and I think you will be amazed at what can happen.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
6.
I was pre-approved for 30 days of the Brain Injury Day Program. After the therapists assessed me,it was suggested that I would need about 6 months worth of therapy. Yes, you read that correctly - I was approved for 1 month of treatment when 6 months would have been more beneficial. I have received individual sessions of therapy to include speech, occupational & physical therapy. Therapy has been sporadic but at least it is available. My medical insurance has to be asked for an extension each time the pre-approved amount of time has expired. The first time the the 30 days expired we appealed to insurance for an extension, it was denied. We appealed again and 2 months later I was approved for 8 more sessions.
I should also say that insurance has covered ALOT, I received the medical attention I so badly needed and they do try and work with me to see if there are any ways they can get more therapy for me. Insurance can be both God-send and extremely frustrating. My insurance coverage was great while I was in the hospital, all in-patient treatment was well covered. The weakest and most frustrating thing about my insurance plan is the out-patient services. My particular policy had no coverage for the comprehensive outpatient brain injury therapy I needed and they do not recognize cognitive therapy which is a cornerstone for healing from a brain injury. My case managers were resourceful and exchanged my nursing home benefit (which I did not need) for 30 days in the brain injury program at Scripps hospital in Encinitas.
Explain to me how you can look at me , listen to me speak , and watch me struggle with the simplest of tasks all the while seeing photos of my former-life and hearing stories about my life prior to this accident yet deny me the best chance for the most recovery by denying any extension to my time at the Brain Injury Program. Explain it to me and I will do my best not to call you names - I can't make any promises though. I can promise that I won't laugh at your mistakes, I promise that I will do my damnedest to not wish this struggle of recovering from a traumatic brain injury on you. I will tell you this: if someone in front of you is walking slowly and they don't have any outward signs of an injury don't be a jerk to them, they might have a brain injury or any other number of things affecting their speed of walking or coping with day-to-day duties. I don't intentionally walk slowly through the grocery store, I simply can't go any quicker and my vision was affected by hitting my head so hard, it takes me time to figure out if what I am seeing is real and it takes time to figure out if the floor is really moving in waves. I will tell you this, if someone near me is intentionally being an ass I may slow down just a little bit more because it is rather fun to see a person (who is fully capable of doing everything for themselves at a normal rate of speed) be an ass just to be an ass or because they think that they are so much more important than everyone else - I'm just saying before you judge anyone else, take a look at your own behavior, kindness never hurt anyone and you just might make the world a little bit better place to be.
I should also say that insurance has covered ALOT, I received the medical attention I so badly needed and they do try and work with me to see if there are any ways they can get more therapy for me. Insurance can be both God-send and extremely frustrating. My insurance coverage was great while I was in the hospital, all in-patient treatment was well covered. The weakest and most frustrating thing about my insurance plan is the out-patient services. My particular policy had no coverage for the comprehensive outpatient brain injury therapy I needed and they do not recognize cognitive therapy which is a cornerstone for healing from a brain injury. My case managers were resourceful and exchanged my nursing home benefit (which I did not need) for 30 days in the brain injury program at Scripps hospital in Encinitas.
Explain to me how you can look at me , listen to me speak , and watch me struggle with the simplest of tasks all the while seeing photos of my former-life and hearing stories about my life prior to this accident yet deny me the best chance for the most recovery by denying any extension to my time at the Brain Injury Program. Explain it to me and I will do my best not to call you names - I can't make any promises though. I can promise that I won't laugh at your mistakes, I promise that I will do my damnedest to not wish this struggle of recovering from a traumatic brain injury on you. I will tell you this: if someone in front of you is walking slowly and they don't have any outward signs of an injury don't be a jerk to them, they might have a brain injury or any other number of things affecting their speed of walking or coping with day-to-day duties. I don't intentionally walk slowly through the grocery store, I simply can't go any quicker and my vision was affected by hitting my head so hard, it takes me time to figure out if what I am seeing is real and it takes time to figure out if the floor is really moving in waves. I will tell you this, if someone near me is intentionally being an ass I may slow down just a little bit more because it is rather fun to see a person (who is fully capable of doing everything for themselves at a normal rate of speed) be an ass just to be an ass or because they think that they are so much more important than everyone else - I'm just saying before you judge anyone else, take a look at your own behavior, kindness never hurt anyone and you just might make the world a little bit better place to be.
Monday, November 1, 2010
5.
Finally, I started talking, no one knows why I was so quiet for so long, that's just the way it turned out. I had constant therapies for several more weeks, can I just say that 11 weeks in the hospital is a really long time! They finally allowed me to be released from the hospital on October 19, 2009. We flew back to San Diego and I started the Brain Injury program at Scripps Encinitas hospital on October 21, 2009. I can honestly say that I was very nervous because I had no idea what to expect. I was looking forward to getting the therapy I needed but I was nervous about telling my "story" - admitting that I needed help and I couldn't do it all on my own seemed much scarier at that time. The Brain Injury Program is brilliantly put together, the day-long program starts at 9:00 a.m. and ends at 3:30 p.m. The day is filled with multiple therapies (physical, speech, occupational), projects, and outings. I was comfortable there because I was in the program with other people facing some of the same challenges. I was also comfortable because your story was just that, yours. It was yours to tell if and when you chose to.
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| Beginning stages of recovery |
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| Walking the hospital halls |
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| working with ankle weights in the therapy room |
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| it looks like were dancing...but were not! |
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| learning just to sit up again |
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