10.

Originally written in April 2010

I have recently decided to look at the pictures my Mom took of me in the hospital (many of which you are seeing on this blog). I asked Laura, Kate, and Caryn to be here with me while I see the photos for the first time. Kate came to Hawaii and saw me in the hospital so she knew what to expect. She showed a picture of me in the hospital to Laura, Laura said it made her cry. I don't expect that they will be easy to see but I am hoping to use the photos as a motivational tool. I no longer see the improvement that other people point out to me now.  I made big strides quickly in the beginning of my recovery and the doctors and therapists warned me that things would slow down considerably at some point.  I am thinking that if I see where it all started I will be able to see how far I've actually come.   I do think that I should mention just how amazing these ladies are to come and stand by my side while I looked at some very gnarly pictures from my time in the hospital.  Caryn was in a horrible accident years ago and viewing these photos must have been especially hard for her, yet she was there, she looked at the photos and she encourages me to keep working.  She knows exactly what it takes to fight your way back from an accident.  Here is where I will say, I am so grateful and so thankful to have a solid team of great friends to stand beside me during this trying time.  I will keep working at getting better and I promise you that someday ,in the not too distant future, we will look back at this time and be amazed that we had to face such a crazy obstacle.

Recently I began looking at my situation in a little bit different light, I stopped saying "IF". If I work again, If I drive again, If I live on my own again... I simply started saying "WHEN". When I work again, when I drive again, when I live on my own again - I believe these things will happen, the brain heals at its own pace so now I just have to be patient and wait for the healing to be complete. Anyone that knows me knows I am not great at waiting, but they also know that when I get an idea in my head I will do my damnedest to see that it happens (go to culinary school, get a good job in my field of choice, move to Hawaii, keep up with friends, get a tattoo - or 4). So I am saying wait and see, watch me continue to make improvements and get my life back in order. I am determined to make believers out of anyone my life or my story comes in contact with so wait and see what happens.

I am getting positive feedback from my physical therapist, which is making me feel somewhat invincible.  Its nice to hear that people still see the improvements that I no longer see.  If I can keep believing that my own version of therapy-at-home is making a difference then I might just be able to continue getting better.