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You may wonder how I came up with the name of this blog, for awhile I referred to my injury as "Scrambled Brain".  Following the coma everything was scrambled, my walking, my talking, my thought process, my eyesight, I do mean everything! I think that the word souffle is much nicer than the word scrambled and seeing as I am a former pastry chef, "souffle" just makes sense in my world, as well as in my own humble opinion... a souffle tastes better than scrambled anything. 

I started writing this blog in April 20010 but I wasn't able to post it right away for fear of not being approved for services such as social security disability or therapy permitted by my insurance company - I know it is smart to hold my tongue and not say what I really want to say to them, ultimately I know that these are businesses and they are trying to do their jobs - I don't have to like them or their ridiculous decision making process.

Kona Brewfest Pipeline Porter Chocolate cupcake with Bailey's Icing

Sheraton Keahou Bay Chocolate Cake

Vnilla Scented Belgian Waffle Strawberry Shortcake

New York Cheesecake with Mascarpone Icing, Vanilla Bean Scented Orange Segments and Fresh Mint Compote 

[soo-FLAY]



A light, airy mixture that usually begins with a thick egg yolk-based sauce or puree that is lightened by stiffly beaten egg whites. Souffles may be savory or sweet, hot or cold. Baked souffles are much more fragile than those that are chilled or frozen because the hot air entrapped in the souffle begins to escape (causing the mixture to deflate) as soon as the dish is removed from the oven.

Think about the brain as a baked souffle' that has just been removed from the oven...it always helps me to put things in perspective if I think about them as a food item. Yes, I am aware that I have issues...

I don't remember the first several weeks after my accident, but what I now know I have learned from family, friends, nurses, and my mom's notes from the time of the accident. Apparently I was a passenger in a jeep, I was somehow thrown from said jeep and thus begins my incredible journey of fighting back.  The accident was on the Big Island of Hawaii, where I had been living for 2 1/2 years. Following the accident I was taken by ambulance to the Kona hospital where it was determined that I needed more help than they could offer. I was life-flighted to Oahu and ended up in the neuro-ICU at Queens Hospital. It turns out that I knew one of the EMT's on my ambulance run in Kona, I hadn't seen him in years and didn't even know he was living on the island, but he recognized me and held my hand until he was no longer allowed to do so. In general I am not a very religious person but I do believe in miracles, and thanks to Ryan and numerous medical professionals I am here today to tell you about mine. The accident left me with several major injuries: 4 broken ribs, a broken left clavicle, most of the bones in my face were broken, as well as two skull fractures and a traumatic brain injury. As if that weren't enough I was in a full coma for 3 weeks (not medically induced), and deemed semi-comatose for the next 5 weeks. Over this time the ribs and the facial fractures healed but I was still unable to speak and tell the doctors what hurt, from the very beginning I was placed in a cervical collar (neck brace) to protect the spinal chord and neck from any more potential damage - although they were uncertain what damage had already taken place.
 
 

Book quotes: Family experience

I cannot express to you how badly I feel about putting my family through such hell.  No, I did not intend for this to happen and yes, it was an accident but I can still feel bad that I was the source of their grief and unhappiness.  I am grateful and I feel blessed that everyone gave every ounce of love and compassion they could.  I know I am loved, and that is a gift that I will be forever thankful for.  My mom took alot of pictures of the process for me to look at later if I wanted to. I am so glad that everything was documented but I am sad that there aren't any pictures of me with my mom during that time - she was too busy being the one behind the camera!

Jamie & Nate's rehearsal dinner, 2008

"The magnitude of the story and how our family's experience would touch a chord. ...but with countless others who had suffered grave injuries and fought hard to recover."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
I know my mom has found grace in other care givers stories.  She has been able to feel like she has made it to the other side of a huge wall of grief, I hope that I can continue to make her proud.  I hope that she knows I am eternally grateful for the sacrifices she and my dad made so that I was never alone in the hospital.  I also think that she needs to know that I am fully aware that I would not have recovered this well or this quickly without my amazing family.

"It was easy to hear the word injury and assume that meant it would be a matter of weeks before things knitted themselves back together. A sane person, a person whose mind was not in the zone, would have taken one look at Bob and wondered if he would survive, let alone ever function again."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

"Remember, love is in the guts and the rest is in the brain."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

Gifts and photos at my hospital bedside

"It's sad," Dr. M said. "It's sad what happened to you and your children, but iv'e never seen one family yet who didn't rise to the occassion. People love you and will support you. People put one foot in front of the other every day. They figure out how to do this."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

"Those pentagons represented the two halves of his brain. One contained the love he felt for his family and the gratitude he had for being alive; the other side was the tempest, the horrible raging fear and disorientation that lived in his brain right now, as he tried to make sense of his new world."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

"I had been on go mode, always moving forward, making decisions, not allowing myself to feel very much."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

My family was definitely on "go-mode" during my hospitalization, hell - we are all still in go-mode.  You just go, one foot in front of the other and before you know it a week has gone by.  Are things normal yet?  I think I will always be looking for my world to "normalize".

"We've all endured a crisis. And we've survived to feel the miraculous force of recovery at work. What I do know is that I haave been blessed. I have been very, very lucky - "  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

"I cannot imagine what it must have felt like to hold my hand, praying that I would wake up and someday recover."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

Jamie listening to my ipod with me

Daddy's girl...always will be

Book quotes: laughter/jokes

"People responded to tragedy in so many different ways. I would lead the charge with my offbeat sense of humor and somehow, by doing that, give everyone permission to laugh. Laughter would keep us sane, it would provide relief. Even laughter was a tiny way to take action."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

"Gallows humor has its roots in the quest for sanity. When the situation is so black, so dark, that grief or fear threatens to overwhelm, there is nothing like a good joke or two to resuscitate hope."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

"We made it impossible for him to take himself too seriously." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

My hair was braided by the nurses, I was still in a coma so I didn't get the opportunity to laugh at my new look or refer to the do as my "Coolio braids".  I will say that Laura, Kate, Caryn and I got a good laugh over this picture the first time I finally looked at the accident photos.

"No matter how black the hours, light, laughter, and feeling will slowly begin to trickle back one day."   In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
I am pretty proud of how I have adapted to this new life.  Proud of everything except flipping off a health care professional, flashing anyone who happened to be unfortunate enough to be anywhere near my hospital room, sitting on anyone who was helping me learn to walk again  - which apparently tires you out quickly and the list goes on and on.  Luckily my family has a great sense of humor and were able to laugh when I pulled any antics. I am also grateful that I did not loose my sense of humor, I am still able to find quirky things interesting.  I am definitely able to laugh at myself when I do or say something odd, my family gave themselves permission to find joy where they could, to laugh at something they thought I would have gotten a kick out of.  I have also found that it is easier to get through the day at therapy if I allow myself the opportunity to laugh while I am there, more than likely I am laughing at myself but every once in awhile I find the funny in someone else.  Luckily I have a solid relationship with my therapists and I can share my thoughts and/or observations with them.  Seriously, when a grown man is having a drama-geek melt down how do you not laugh?  I wasn't laughing at him, I was laughing at the situation.
 
"Sometimes it was easier to operate on blind faith." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
Every once in awhile I  catch myself feeling like maybe everything will be OK if I just lower all of my expectations.  I can guarantee that I will not be lowering my expectations for myself or for anyone else who may come along.  I am not going to apologize for wanting good things to happen in my life, I am going to keep pushing the envelope and I am going to keep hoping that things get better.  If I slip into the mode where I operate on "blind faith" than so be it.

Book quotes: Brain Injury & healing

"recovery from a brain injury would seem eternal. Improvement would occur at a snail's pace. If anyone believed this would be a simple healing, like breaking a leg, they needed to think again."  In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
I was warned that my improvement would slow down tremendously and it has.  Its always such a relief to me when someone tells me that they still see improvement because I don't see it anymore.  They weren't kidding when they said my rate of improvement would slow down, it has slowed down but it hasn't stopped, so, ha!  I still win.  Yes, I am still as mature as ever but in this instance, I can happily say that my competitive nature is an asset.

"If I had only known then how wonderful it was, that simplicity of life's everyday routine."   In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
It amazes me that actually I miss the most basic things.  I miss running errands, I miss being able to go over to a friends house whenever the mood strikes, I miss working.  I never thought I would miss getting up early, going to work everyday, stressing about impossible deadlines and creating new, interesting dessert menus.  I do though, I miss those things and I have a feeling that if I can get back to my life, including a challenging job, I will never take mundane things for granted again.
 
"characteristics common to traumatic brain injuries. many people with head injuries exhibit actions that are inappropriate: agitation, frustration, and outbursts not unlike an infant's."   In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.


"As much as I loved and respected my therapists, they were not there to give me a break. It was their job to help me put it all back together, to teach me coping skills for my deficits.
it was a matter of building the new neural connections that led to them. Much of it was time. The brain takes longer to heal than any other organ." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.


"With most brain injuries, the filter in our heads that we all use to get along in society slips. People lose their inhibitions in ways both shocking and painful for their loved ones." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
From what I have learned from my friends and family I did not say inappropriate things, I simply flashed my girlie bits while in the hospital.  Which really, should be embarrassing but I think its funny and I tend to blame the hospital gowns....  There are photos from the hospital that showcase a strategically placed pillow in order to make the photo fit to show anyone.  In all reality I should be mortified but I'm just not.  If those were the things that needed to happen to bring me to this point of recovery then OK, I accept it and I laugh about it.

"Abnormal behavior might simply become part of what Bob's therapists would teach me to call "the new normal". " In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

"Everything has to start somewhere as his brain relearns how to give commands to his body." " In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

"Damage to the front of the head, or frontal lobe, often resulted in a loss of executive function. This is the part of the brain that organizes our actions without even thinking about it" In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

"Many victims of car accidents whose head slammed into the windshield, or soldiers who had blast injuries, came home "flat" and unemotional. Sometimes the personality came back. More often than not, it didn't." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
I feel lucky when I hear about my attitude in the hospital because from what everyone tells me, I was pleasant patient to be around.  I thanked nurses and therapists for their help, I didn't curse at people, I didn't threaten anyone and I wasn't purposefully difficult.  There were a few moments that I am not so proud of; I did hit someone who was trying to help me at my hospital bedside.  I did stick my middle finger out at one of my first physicians assistants.  I had no inhibitions when it came to how I was sitting or which body parts were flashing about.  Let's just say that I was nowhere near ladylike, as I explained a little earlier, it should be embarrassing but I think its really kind of funny.


"I have heard it said that when God takes something away he gives something back."   In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.
This quote is a little harder for me to digest, because I have always had a hard time accepting religion and belief systems as being a justifiable "reason" for the way things turn out.  I will say that I believe by having so many people in so many different places praying for me and including me on their church prayer lists I did receive some sort of "extra" assistance from a higher power.  Just what that means I may never know or understand and I'm OK with that.  I have heard that many people who have survived bad accidents go a little crazy by going overboard with religion, I can assure you that will not be happening with me.  I believe that I will be more tolerant of people's beliefs now, I won't be rolling my eyes when someone starts in on religious topics of conversation, ultimately I am still the same person I was before the accident, I still hold the same beliefs, I just happen to believe that I am truly one of the lucky ones.