misunderstood & under-represented

Originally written 8/30/2010

I was watching the Emmy's last night, Claire Danes won for lead actress in a miniseries or movie for her role in Temple Grandin - I have not seen the movie but apparently it is about a woman who brought real attention and greater understanding to autism.  In her speech Claire Danes spoke to the real Temple Grandin and said that autism  finally had a person to identify as a leader in the fight for a disease that is "misunderstood and under-represented".  These words "misunderstood and under-represented" really hit home with me, I am in no way comparing traumatic brain injury and autism - I am simply saying that "misunderstood and under-represented" is a very appropriate way to describe TBI.   There is a greater understanding of TBI now then there ever has been, for which I am extremely grateful - but there is still a misunderstanding of the whole picture of TBI.   The further I find myself from the date of the actual accident is both a blessing and a curse.  Its a blessing because I survived, the more time goes by the more synapses seem to connect in this beaten brain of mine, therefore more recovery has happened and the closer I am to being independent once again.  It is a curse because when the accident was fresh more people seemed to want to be involved in the process of recovery.  I know that it is human nature to tend to be more involved immediately following a catastrophe,  what I am hoping is that although a year has passed and although I have gotten better I hope that people will realize that things are still difficult.  I don't know if the day will ever arrive when things are simple once again.  I hope that I will continue to improve, I hope to be living on my own and working again in the near future, I hope that my upcoming surgery will "fix" my double vision so that I can begin training to drive again...all things considered I know how very lucky I am to even consider having any of these things back in my life, I want so much back and its a long process and I am doing my best to be patient but I find myself getting more frustrated lately and the feelings of frustration seem to be coming at a faster rate.

8/27/2010

Things have been going pretty well lately, I was approved for more therapy and I am working with PT and OT to ensure that I have more of a "home program" for when insurance makes things difficult again.  I like going to therapy because its so helpful to get the immediate feedback from trained professionals.  My parents and my friends can tell me that they see a difference or that they think I'm getting better but those comments never receive the rush of relief that I feel when I hear those beautiful words from my therapists.

My girlfriends are in Palm Springs for the weekend celebrating a bachelorette party - while I am thrilled for the bride and I want the ladies to have a great time I can't help but feel left out.  I know that they worry about me and probably think that it is better for me not to be at an event that may get a bit out of hand, there may be some insane amounts of drinking and they want to make sure that I am not hurt in anyway.   At the same time its a reminder that I am not "normal" yet, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I have improved, it is never enough.  I don't expect for life to be a cake walk from here on out, I know that there will be challenges and I am certain that my heart will be broken by some random boy again someday, I just keep wondering "when will it get a little easier?"  I do realize that I am just having a moment of great self-pity and hopefully later today or tomorrow morning the moment will have passed and things can get back to my new normal but for now I am going to wallow in these feelings.  I am going to allow myself to be angry that I am too broken to be included in something that is all about fun and celebration.  I have said before and I will reiterate, I don't think I am treating this injury much different that anyone else would - it sucks and its hard but it has made me truly cherish the people that have stuck by me and it has made me grateful for the second chances it has created.  I know that I can still have amazing experiences and I know that there are still great things out there for me,- they're just waiting for me to find them... my path may be a little different than everyone else's but I do have a future waiting for me, it happens to be a future that I am truly grateful for!  I am still able to spend time with my best friend and while I may move a little slower - we still laugh at all the same stupid crap we used to, or we find new stupid crap to entertain ourselves with - we are still able to find the fun in everything.

Lunch a the Local



Adult bevies at the hotel rooftop bar



Dinner at the Strip Club



Cooking our entree - watch out boys, she has tongs!

So yes, its been a rough day but, guess what?  Everyone has a rough day from time to time, see- I'm not that different after all and with that said and thought out - POOF, bad mood and self-pity has disappeared!