10.

Originally written in April 2010

I have recently decided to look at the pictures my Mom took of me in the hospital (many of which you are seeing on this blog). I asked Laura, Kate, and Caryn to be here with me while I see the photos for the first time. Kate came to Hawaii and saw me in the hospital so she knew what to expect. She showed a picture of me in the hospital to Laura, Laura said it made her cry. I don't expect that they will be easy to see but I am hoping to use the photos as a motivational tool. I no longer see the improvement that other people point out to me now.  I made big strides quickly in the beginning of my recovery and the doctors and therapists warned me that things would slow down considerably at some point.  I am thinking that if I see where it all started I will be able to see how far I've actually come.   I do think that I should mention just how amazing these ladies are to come and stand by my side while I looked at some very gnarly pictures from my time in the hospital.  Caryn was in a horrible accident years ago and viewing these photos must have been especially hard for her, yet she was there, she looked at the photos and she encourages me to keep working.  She knows exactly what it takes to fight your way back from an accident.  Here is where I will say, I am so grateful and so thankful to have a solid team of great friends to stand beside me during this trying time.  I will keep working at getting better and I promise you that someday ,in the not too distant future, we will look back at this time and be amazed that we had to face such a crazy obstacle.

Recently I began looking at my situation in a little bit different light, I stopped saying "IF". If I work again, If I drive again, If I live on my own again... I simply started saying "WHEN". When I work again, when I drive again, when I live on my own again - I believe these things will happen, the brain heals at its own pace so now I just have to be patient and wait for the healing to be complete. Anyone that knows me knows I am not great at waiting, but they also know that when I get an idea in my head I will do my damnedest to see that it happens (go to culinary school, get a good job in my field of choice, move to Hawaii, keep up with friends, get a tattoo - or 4). So I am saying wait and see, watch me continue to make improvements and get my life back in order. I am determined to make believers out of anyone my life or my story comes in contact with so wait and see what happens.

I am getting positive feedback from my physical therapist, which is making me feel somewhat invincible.  Its nice to hear that people still see the improvements that I no longer see.  If I can keep believing that my own version of therapy-at-home is making a difference then I might just be able to continue getting better.

9.

Originally written in April 2010

Recently the topic of dating again has come up, I don't even know where to begin. I was never very good at dating to begin with.   As far as me dating again, I just don't see it happening. The last time I successfully dated a good man I was in high school - and yes, my dating history is really as pathetic as it sounds.  I cannot imagine meeting someone, explaining my injuries, and then having someone subject themselves to the questioning, expectations, and the pressures from my friends and family. I think my friends and my family are amazing and anyone would be lucky to find themselves in the company of my homies... at the same time I know there is a defensive wall built around me and I don't think that many men will willingly scale that wall.  I do know that it would be hard for me to trust again, hard to believe that someone will show up when they say they will, hard to rely on them to drive me from place to place safely, hard to believe that anyone would be willing to put up with the restraints of my head injury.  I think that it would take a hell of a guy to make me feel safe, I think that I will be so much more cautious about who I let into my life now.  I will have to truly believe that my safety and my comfort level will be carefully considered before I trust anyone with my well-being.  I move more slowly than I used to, my voice is different, its hard for me to stay on the phone for any length of time, I have to concentrate much harder on simple things,etc. etc..  I guess as anything - time will tell. Wish me luck and hope for the best!

8.

Originally written in April 2010

I got great news recently - back to therapy for me! My insurance switched tactics and as of April 1st they have erased all therapy received in 2010 and allow you 8 visits of physical therapy and 8 visits of occupational therapy without having to get pre approval. Yay! So I am back at it once again and it looks like I have improved once again, can't wait to feel like I have a good handle on my fine motor skills again!

I spent the day yesterday with Laura, it was so nice to just hang out with a great friend for the day! We walked on the beach, went to lunch on the boardwalk, went back to her apartment, watched a movie, got a pedicure, went on a hot date to World Famous - what a day! Every time I spend time with my friends it reminds me how lucky I am that I have such great people in my life, I know I wouldn't have recovered this well, this quickly if it weren't for my beautiful support team! Phone calls and plans for future outings keep me going, I am so blessed to have busy people make time for me and wish me well in this LONG recovery process.

Lauren had these Team Nikki shirts printed while I was in lala (coma) land. Every time I wear mine I am reminded of the love and support from my friends and family, and it pushes me to work that much harder to recover.  Plus, my shirt is pink; how could I not love it?

7.

originally written in April 2010

I have stayed in touch with several of the people from the Rehab of the Pacific, they asked me to write an article about my recovery for a newsletter to be distributed in March. This is what I came up with:


Nikki's TBI recovery story


"I remember realizing I was in a hospital, and I saw my Mom which made me know I was safe. I remember all the different therapists and the doctor from the rehab hospital but I had no idea why I was there or how long I had been there. The story goes something like this: I was a passenger in a jeep and somehow I was ejected from said jeep. I broke 4 ribs, a lot of the small bones in my face as well as my left clavicle. Lastly, I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury. I was taken to the Kona Hospital on the Big Island following the accident but it was determined that I needed more help than they could provide, I was life flighted to Queens hospital on Oahu. I endured three weeks in a coma and several more weeks of semi-comatose behavior. There is a large void in my memory surrounding the accident and the beginnings of my recovery. From what I understand I was polite and not too difficult. I was transferred to the Rehab hospital of the Pacific, also in Oahu. I know that I am lucky that the medical professionals and therapists assigned to my case were all determined to help me get better. I now have a vision deficit, my vestibular system throws alot of curve balls my way. My balance has been greatly affected and I am diligently working to re-train my brain to function in my new life. I much later heard the story of the accident that changed my life. I am so grateful to my family and to the friends (who are now considered family) that gave of their time, thoughts, prayers, and energy because without them I honestly don't know if I could have made it this far. I am so grateful that I do not remember the car accident that landed me in this mess. I do not want to be afraid to be a passenger in a vehicle. Hopefully one day I will be able to drive myself again.
How has life changed? How hasn't it. I try not to zero in on what I have lost but appreciate what I still have. Of course things like medical insurance and social security disability make it a challenge! I no longer live on my own, I no longer make a salary for doing a job that I love, I speak slower, my voice is different. I have to concentrate to make sure my body functions in a somewhat "normal" fashion. I can walk, talk, see, hear, taste and try to do better. It has been a personal battle just to get here and I want to go further. I want to go back to working a fulfilling career, I want to drive again, I want to live on my own again. I want all of those things yesterday, and I want for this nightmare to have never happened, but it did and now its my duty to do everything I can to get better. Now I wear glasses which means I can see where I'm walking, I don't run into things, and I won't injure myself by cooking in the kitchen (the dangers of sharp knives and heat are greater for anyone with a TBI). It's shocking to me that once upon a time I didn't have to do things so slowly, that it was just second nature to do simple things like walk one step down into the garage, cross the street, exercise, concentrate for long periods of time. I very recently hit the six month anniversary of my accident. I do not know what my future holds and I can honestly tell you that I am tired. I am tired of fighting this uphill battle, I am tired of having to try so hard, but this is my reality. All of the broken bones have healed - there are thankfully few scars. I do have one shoulder that still causes me pain, but I am working on that with my doctors. I had to stop going to the brain injury rehab program in December because my medical insurance didn't think I needed anymore therapy. I was also recently denied social security disability. It infuriates me that people that have never met me have any modicum of control over my life. They say I'm disabled, just not disabled enough. What I need right now is a little help, I'm asking for a little monetary assistance to help ends meet while I fight this battle. What really infuriates me is that I was a contributing member of society, I worked, I voted, I paid taxes. Now I have to jump through innumerable hoops to see if I qualify for things. My family helps me fill out crazy amounts of paperwork, I am assigned to see doctors who are strangers to me yet they have deciding powers. What I want for myself is a quality of life comparable to the life I led before. I will accept the changes that come along but I don't have to like it. For now I can work hard and hope for more. I believe in the power of positive thinking and I will persevere...watch me".

Supposedly, this story will be printed in a newsletter at the Rehab of the Pacific.  Once I get this blog posted I would like for my therapists at the Rehab of the Pacific and at the Brain Injury Program at Scripps Encinitas to be able to access my story to possibly inspire anyone who is at a different stage of their recovery.  Recovery is possible, it seems huge and unattainable but trust me, with alot effort and endless amounts of hope you can get better!  I do realize that I sound like an after school special but I am living proof that although things may seem unattainable, reach a little further and I think you will be amazed at what can happen.