4th of July and more

Originally written July 2010

Today is Independence day and that has such a different meaning to me now, my independence has been severely compromised because of this accident. We spent the day with the Swan family which was so fun, the only thing missing was my sister and Nate. I didn't get to see any fireworks because I was just too darn tired to stay wake for the show by the time the fireworks rolled around.


This accident has made me think about the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be, it has also made me think about the kind of legacy I want to leave. Oddly enough I had an x-boyfriend contact me recently which is SO strange, I haven't heard from him in years, to be honest I didn't think he still knew my name. Apparently he was talking with another friend of mine, she mentioned my accident, he hadn't heard anything about the accident and now he and I are "friends" on facebook - weirder things have happened, right? Looking back at the time I spent with Jason makes me a little sad, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and the relationship completely imploded. I lost parts of myself along the way, I think I was trying so desperately to hang on to him that I gave up on looking out for myself, there's a mistake I won't be making again. I wanted so badly to believe that I was enough, that I was going to be his everything and finally be enough for somebody but that's just not reality. You cannot be everything to someone else - its too much pressure on both you and on them and if you really think about it - once you are everything to someone else - what's leftover for you? Had I known now what was going to happen between us I will be honest, I would probably do it all over again. That's not exactly true, I think I would still make sacrifices to feel that kind of strong bond with somebody but I would not move so far away from my core of friends and family with so many questions left unanswered. I'd like to believe that I would have been more true to myself and I wish I would have handled everything with a lot more grace. I should have stood up for myself when things weren't going well between us, I shouldn't have allowed him to mistreat me. I should have admitted that I was over-qualified for my crappy job and had the balls to go back to California and start new. Those are all things that I learned from, those are the mistakes that I am not willing to repeat. I was petrified to go home and look everyone in the face and admit that I had failed. Had I have been more true to myself and stood up for what I knew was right, maybe it wouldn't have wrecked me so completely when Jason and I ended.
"There were a few years there, lost in border-less despair, when I used to experience the world's sadness as my own. Everything sad leaked through me and left damp traces behind." Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. My time with Jason did end and it took me a long time to put the pieces of my life back together but once I did I had built a life that I could be proud of. I worked my way up the ladder in catering at hotels, I took a chance and went to culinary school which I adored. I earned an internship at the Four Seasons on the Big Island of Hawaii. I eventually left the Four Seasons after a year and built the pastry department at the Sheraton Keauhou Bay, which miraculously, I became the head of. I had done it, I was working in a field that continuously challenged me and I loved it. I had moved far away to a place that I had never been,. I remember how excited I was at the prospect of moving to a place where nobody knew me and I could be whomever I chose to be
I dated a good guy when I lived in Las Vegas, I wish I would have been ready for what he represented but I wasn't ready. I had amazing times with him and I am grateful that he showed me how I deserve to be treated well.

"When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn't look good. It's been one catastrophe after another." Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am embarrassed when I look at my romantic history, I can't help but think "what's wrong with me?" There's another part of me that knows better, the part that believes there is someone out there for me, maybe I just haven't met him yet. There is a nagging little voice that asks 'who in the world would want to date somebody who has lasting problems from a major head injury? You live at home with your parents, you can't drive, you aren't working...and the list goes on and on. ' Then there is another voice that reminds me that I am living with my parents for now, I can't drive yet, I'm not working yet ... I obviously have alot of work to do but I will get there.
I have also learned to aim big, work hard and be kind. Be kind to yourself and be kind to those around you - you never know what is around the next corner, your kindness could be the thing that helps someone through a very rough spot. Set goals for yourself and do everything in your power to achieve those goals, that's my plan. Right now my goals are small because they have to be small but I will do my damnedest to make sure that I reach bigger goals too; I will work again, I will be able to drive again and not be so dependant on everyone around me. I will live on my own again and not feel like a complete failure at the age of 35. Slowly my goals will get bigger and my life will feel more well-rounded. I have to remind myself that things could have gone in a completely different direction for me, I will forever be thankful that I am still alive and I am more determined than ever to make a positive difference in the world...