It has been too long since I have posted...the following will bring you up-to-date with June, I am writing July as we speak...
Summer has finally rolled around - I wonder what this season will bring. Mom and I just spent a week in Texas visiting with family. It was so good to see everyone and I got to spend some time with my cousins, Aunt and Uncle, and the kiddos - what cool peeps they are! Today starts the summer session of my Occupational Opportunities class at Mesa, the summer session has been reduced to only 3 weeks-long so it should go by quickly. At the end of the month we will be venturing back to Las Vegas...I cannot believe my nephew will be 6 months old already! Now that we have returned from Texas I have started back at my gym, it is shocking to me that I actually feel more like myself when I can hit the gym...who knew that exercise could become so addictive? OK, alot of people probably already knew that but who knew I would actually become one of the exercise addicts!? We are trying to find a good time to get back over to Hawaii to clear out my storage unit, I am looking forward to seeing all of my friends from my hotel and I am definitely looking forward to some sun and some sand, I have a feeling that Lauren and I will find our way into something fabulous...who knows. I am not looking forward to clearing out my storage unit, although I CANNOT wait to get my professional culinary knives back - what a weird thing to miss! I am sure that the sorting of stuff will seem endless and I have a feeling it will be a bittersweet trip, closure to the Hawaiian chapter of my life, unfortunately I was not ready for that chapter to come to a close but it did and now its time to move on...somehow.
I returned to Weight Watchers after missing 2 weeks of meetings. I am very happy that I lost some more weight - in fact, I dropped enough to now be at my 10% weight loss "goal". I have a long way to go but I am definitely seeing some positive changes and I am finally starting to feel like myself again. With the weight loss I am finding it necessary to buy some clothes that actually fit me, anyone who knows me understands that this very well might be the singular reason that I consistently go to the gym....It is rather pathetic that it has taken me almost 2 years to get to this point but hey, I am working on it. Ultimately I am hoping to treat myself to a fabulous pair of new jeans when I finally get down to my goal weight....who knows how long this process will take but Those jeans are the carrot I am dangling in front of me to keep going.
Last weekend the girls got together for "brunch" at Kate's house, it was great to see most of my favorite ladies in one place. Opening day at the Del Mar racetrack is coming up next month, I hope I can get out to the races at least once this season.
What else is going on? We leave Monday to go to Vegas for Jackson's 6-month birthday celebration, the day was actually 6/24/2011 but we are going to miss it by a little bit. Jamie is planning on putting him in the pool for the first time at Nate's Mom's house, suffice it to say I CAN'T WAIT! I bought Jackson a pair of big-boy swim trunks, they have monkeys and skulls and crossbones on them, he is already one of the cutest kids on Earth so the trunks will just put him on another level all together.....I'm not biased or anything.
I met my counselor for the WorkabilityIII program, Bree is super nice and I think she will be great to work with. Right now I am just putting the final touches on my resume and hopefully we will start working on getting some interviews lined up shortly.
Today was my weigh-in day at Weight Watchers, I had no idea what to expect but I had a good weigh-in, lost another 1.6 Lbs and am now at a total loss of 18.4 Lbs, I am pretty darn proud of myself! I went to the gym before my meeting today because we are going to the Padres game tonight to celebrate Lindsey's 30th birthday, private suite and all! Afterwards I am going to Kimberley's house, we will be going out for a late dinner and then we are going to the Zoo tomorrow, fun times, fun times!
This blog is about my on-going recovery from a traumatic brain injury, I chose to write about my experiences with the hope that my story will help someone else who may be facing something similar. My story is not meant to make you sad or scared, I will warn you that there are photos from my lengthy stay in the hospital and the photos are somewhat disturbing...my wish is that this story brings you hope!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
5/15/2011, 5/21,2011
I had a fairly busy week...let's see:
Sunday: Mother's Day: set mom up with a nice gift that I split with Jamie and then I made dinner for the family
Monday: appointment with my trainer at the gym
Tuesday: Occupational Opportunities class at Mesa, workout at the gym
Wednesday: appointment with my trainer at the gym
Thursday: 6 month check-up with Dr. Tasto for my contacts
Friday: intake appointment with Workability III, workout at the gym
Saturday: Weight Watchers meeting and weigh-in, walk to the gym from weight watchers, workout at the gym, out to dinner with Scott, Beth, mom & dad
Sunday: laundry & errands
What do I mention first? I have kicked my workouts at the gym up to 5 times per week, I have also conquered 45 minutes on the elliptical machine...which is still absolutely amazing to me - when I think back about how far I have come since joining the gym I am simply stunned. I remember the first few times I went to the gym and how scary it was to even figure out if I could climb up on the elliptical machine to be able to use the damn thing...I was able to get on the machine on shaky legs, but could I expend the energy to actually use the machine? I started very slow, only about 10 minutes...and now I can successfully complete 45 minutes at a decent speed and decent level of difficulty; its things like this success that make me do a little happy dance and keep working to move forward. I worked with a vocational specialist who was suggested to me by my neurologist, he and his office did some testing to see what I would be capable of handling as far as work goes. They also recommended that I sign up to attend a class at Mesa college called Occupational Opportunities, I have since signed up and have begun attending the course. It was also suggested that I work with the State Department of Rehabilitation to assist with any challenges that come my way. Workability III is a partnership between the San Diego Community College District and Department of Rehabilitation, it is considered a "Disability Support Program/Service". Here is where I should mention that I have a hard time accepting the fact that I am now disabled, because I just don't consider myself disabled. Technically I fit into the definition of "disabled", and I agree that I could use a little more guidance and I am in need of my benefit money but I don't see "disabled" when I look in the mirror. I suppose understanding it and accepting it will come in time...
What else? Oh...weight watchers was good this week, I lost another 1/2 Lb, bringing the total lost to 13 pounds...pretty cool! Of course I want it to be going faster but my trainer very patiently reminded me that slow weight loss is best and he also said that I need to remember that I am definitely gaining muscle with all of my working out...am I skinny yet? Let's be realistic, I will never be considered skinny, accept it, move on...That's pretty much it for now...
5/21/2011
So most of you know that I am recovering from an accident that occurred back in August of 2009...I tend to talk about how much better I know I have gotten and how much stronger I feel...what I tend not to do is wallow in self pity. Here is where I will mention that there are still big obstacles for me to avoid - for instance this past Monday after a good workout at the gym I heated up a weight watchers meal in the microwave, I went to pull the cooked meal out of the microwave and failed to use any kind of hot pad to guard my hands. The main problem with this brilliant maneuver is that I have lost alot of the feeling on my whole right side, I was getting a steam burn on the part of my wrist that wasn't covered with a sleeve...by the time I actually felt the burning sensation I had managed to achieve 2nd degree burns on my right wrist, and then I tweaked the tray and cooked food spilled out of the tray and onto my arm....let me just tell you that cooked pasta with a little melted cheese really stick to the skin. I have since been out of commission for most of the week although I did try to go to the gym and meet with my trainer yesterday, of course after taking a look at my wrist he knew we had to change up my routine dramatically...needless to say we worked on abs and core while seated on the floor. Tomorrow is the WalkIt Challenge 5K and I really want to participate but I'm not sure how that will actually go, at least I will go and try, I think I can manage to walk the distance, hopefully my balance will be in OK condition tomorrow and I can walk the 5K...we will see, wish me luck! The good news is that I managed to loose another 1 Lb. this past week, which is really good considering the fact that I was barely able to workout this week....stupid burn. Now I am sitting at a 14 Lb. weight loss, yay me!
So, I did it ~ I completed the 5K! It was a challenge for me, not because of the distance but because of the terrain....the ground had multiple different levels and multiple different ground coverings, it was a challenge but I am happy to say that I did it!
Much love and aloha
Sunday: Mother's Day: set mom up with a nice gift that I split with Jamie and then I made dinner for the family
Tuesday: Occupational Opportunities class at Mesa, workout at the gym
Wednesday: appointment with my trainer at the gym
Thursday: 6 month check-up with Dr. Tasto for my contacts
Friday: intake appointment with Workability III, workout at the gym
Saturday: Weight Watchers meeting and weigh-in, walk to the gym from weight watchers, workout at the gym, out to dinner with Scott, Beth, mom & dad
Sunday: laundry & errands
What do I mention first? I have kicked my workouts at the gym up to 5 times per week, I have also conquered 45 minutes on the elliptical machine...which is still absolutely amazing to me - when I think back about how far I have come since joining the gym I am simply stunned. I remember the first few times I went to the gym and how scary it was to even figure out if I could climb up on the elliptical machine to be able to use the damn thing...I was able to get on the machine on shaky legs, but could I expend the energy to actually use the machine? I started very slow, only about 10 minutes...and now I can successfully complete 45 minutes at a decent speed and decent level of difficulty; its things like this success that make me do a little happy dance and keep working to move forward. I worked with a vocational specialist who was suggested to me by my neurologist, he and his office did some testing to see what I would be capable of handling as far as work goes. They also recommended that I sign up to attend a class at Mesa college called Occupational Opportunities, I have since signed up and have begun attending the course. It was also suggested that I work with the State Department of Rehabilitation to assist with any challenges that come my way. Workability III is a partnership between the San Diego Community College District and Department of Rehabilitation, it is considered a "Disability Support Program/Service". Here is where I should mention that I have a hard time accepting the fact that I am now disabled, because I just don't consider myself disabled. Technically I fit into the definition of "disabled", and I agree that I could use a little more guidance and I am in need of my benefit money but I don't see "disabled" when I look in the mirror. I suppose understanding it and accepting it will come in time...
What else? Oh...weight watchers was good this week, I lost another 1/2 Lb, bringing the total lost to 13 pounds...pretty cool! Of course I want it to be going faster but my trainer very patiently reminded me that slow weight loss is best and he also said that I need to remember that I am definitely gaining muscle with all of my working out...am I skinny yet? Let's be realistic, I will never be considered skinny, accept it, move on...That's pretty much it for now...
5/21/2011
So, I did it ~ I completed the 5K! It was a challenge for me, not because of the distance but because of the terrain....the ground had multiple different levels and multiple different ground coverings, it was a challenge but I am happy to say that I did it!
 |
| Day 6 of the burn, still healing |
Much love and aloha
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
5/9/2011
I have finally caught up with posting everything I previously wrote and we are now in "current time", the last post was sometime around Christmas 2010...now its May, what has been going on for the past few months? I have been working with the California Department of Rehabilitation as well as I have been attending an "Occupational Opportunities" class at Mesa College. I will be going to an intake appointment at a program called Workability III this Thursday, the idea behind working with all of these programs is that they will assist me in getting back into the work force, it would be really nice to feel like I was capable of making some money and taking care of myself once again. I do know how blessed I am to have such wonderful, giving people in my life, I am just SO ready to be doing more for myself. I still have visions of a successful future dancing in my head, now I just have to figure out a way to get there. Right now I depend on my parents and sometimes friends to take me from place to place...I want to drive more that I did when I had a permit at age 15. Remember how badly you wanted your permit to turn into a legal license because it meant freedom...that is the best comparison I can make. I am still attending sessions at the gym with my trainer and I am feeling more and more capable as time crawls by. I joined Weight Watchers back in February because I needed a little guidance, I know that the doctors and my therapists all talked about weight gain with major head injuries, but my weight gain was getting out of control and I really wanted to see a change for the positive. They did say a weight gain of 60 - 100 Lbs. was common, OK - so I wasn't anywhere near that much of a gain but come on, I am 5'2", weight shows quickly on this short frame!
Saturday was my "weigh-in" day and happily I can report back that I lost another 1.8 Lbs., the total is now 12.6 Lbs!....I get a little overwhelmed when I think about the fact that I have a LONG way to go but if I can keep plugging away the way I have been I should be able to accomplish what I set my mind to - and my trainer at the gym is totally in my corner and believes in me in a very positive way, which helps immensely. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I always show my love by cooking something special, we bought crab and shrimp but I was smart about options and dipping sauces - I avoided clarified butter and opted for a citrus "Mojo Sauce" that fit nicely into my plan. All in all with the wine and the dessert I did exceed my daily points a little but that just means I dipped into my weekly extra allotment. I have also decided to kick up my workouts a bit by adding an extra day per week to the gym, so now I will be going to the gym 5 times and walking around the lake (a total of just over 5 miles around) one day per week, allowing myself 1 full day off per week. I have very recently made it to 40 minutes on the elliptical machine and I have to say I am very proud of that accomplishment! I have also continued with the ab bench and the hip flexor machines to continue working on my core and I have kicked up the treadmill to 45 minutes to an hour at a "speed" of 3.3-3.5, most of which I am able to walk without holding on to the balance bar attached to the machine, I wish I could attempt to jog but I know that I cannot. My accident really did a number on my vestibular system and I am grateful that I have gotten as much back as I have but I simply cannot help myself from wanting a little more. I catch myself at the gym, watching other people jog so easily on their treadmill and mumbling in my own head about how easy it must be for them....really, how do I know that it is easy for them? Maybe they are facing their own set of challenges that I am simply unaware of, if someone were looking at me they probably wouldn't see a disability - which I am truly grateful for but it is there, underneath the surface. I do make a point of challenging myself, on days where I feel a little more "off" than usual I may have to slow the treadmill down by 0.1 but I still walk the long distance without holding on to anything (if at all possible)...and I do notice that when I finish on the machines I am more unstable than I used to be but what did I think would happen? I have to be a little more careful of walking to the locker room and making every effort to stay standing upright while I get myself there but I truly believe that the efforts I am making at the gym are making a positive difference in my recovery, and oddly enough, I like going to the gym, I feel like I am accomplishing something by being there and its a strange bit of social interaction from time to time.
My neurologist has cut back on my number of appointments (I am down to 4 per year - wahoo
The last big thing I am going to mention is the happiest, my beautiful nephew was born on Christmas Eve. Jamie and Nate have taken to parenthood beautifully. Jackson is the light and love of my life...too much pressure? He can do no wrong in my eyes and I absolutely cannot wait to take him swimming this summer....luckily I happened to find a fabulous pair of infant board shorts for him recently...I know, I have issues - I really like to cook and I also happen to like to shop. Accept it. I suppose it goes without saying - If I ever date again, it would be best if that guy liked to eat well and go to the gym....enough said
Saturday was my "weigh-in" day and happily I can report back that I lost another 1.8 Lbs., the total is now 12.6 Lbs!....I get a little overwhelmed when I think about the fact that I have a LONG way to go but if I can keep plugging away the way I have been I should be able to accomplish what I set my mind to - and my trainer at the gym is totally in my corner and believes in me in a very positive way, which helps immensely. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I always show my love by cooking something special, we bought crab and shrimp but I was smart about options and dipping sauces - I avoided clarified butter and opted for a citrus "Mojo Sauce" that fit nicely into my plan. All in all with the wine and the dessert I did exceed my daily points a little but that just means I dipped into my weekly extra allotment. I have also decided to kick up my workouts a bit by adding an extra day per week to the gym, so now I will be going to the gym 5 times and walking around the lake (a total of just over 5 miles around) one day per week, allowing myself 1 full day off per week. I have very recently made it to 40 minutes on the elliptical machine and I have to say I am very proud of that accomplishment! I have also continued with the ab bench and the hip flexor machines to continue working on my core and I have kicked up the treadmill to 45 minutes to an hour at a "speed" of 3.3-3.5, most of which I am able to walk without holding on to the balance bar attached to the machine, I wish I could attempt to jog but I know that I cannot. My accident really did a number on my vestibular system and I am grateful that I have gotten as much back as I have but I simply cannot help myself from wanting a little more. I catch myself at the gym, watching other people jog so easily on their treadmill and mumbling in my own head about how easy it must be for them....really, how do I know that it is easy for them? Maybe they are facing their own set of challenges that I am simply unaware of, if someone were looking at me they probably wouldn't see a disability - which I am truly grateful for but it is there, underneath the surface. I do make a point of challenging myself, on days where I feel a little more "off" than usual I may have to slow the treadmill down by 0.1 but I still walk the long distance without holding on to anything (if at all possible)...and I do notice that when I finish on the machines I am more unstable than I used to be but what did I think would happen? I have to be a little more careful of walking to the locker room and making every effort to stay standing upright while I get myself there but I truly believe that the efforts I am making at the gym are making a positive difference in my recovery, and oddly enough, I like going to the gym, I feel like I am accomplishing something by being there and its a strange bit of social interaction from time to time.
My neurologist has cut back on my number of appointments (I am down to 4 per year - wahoo
The last big thing I am going to mention is the happiest, my beautiful nephew was born on Christmas Eve. Jamie and Nate have taken to parenthood beautifully. Jackson is the light and love of my life...too much pressure? He can do no wrong in my eyes and I absolutely cannot wait to take him swimming this summer....luckily I happened to find a fabulous pair of infant board shorts for him recently...I know, I have issues - I really like to cook and I also happen to like to shop. Accept it. I suppose it goes without saying - If I ever date again, it would be best if that guy liked to eat well and go to the gym....enough said
Monday, April 11, 2011
December 2010
Originally written 12/03/2010
I had an appointment with my neurologist this afternoon and it seems like I am still heading in the right direction! He thinks I am ready to visit a vocational specialist who will help to determine if I am ready to head back to work and in what capacity. He also said I am ready to meet with the driving instructor to get tested and see how much instruction I will need to get back behind the wheel on my own again. I am so happy that the appointment went well and he sees that I am ready to get back out into the real world. He also invited me back to the brain injury conference this year - hopefully I will be on a panel of survivors that participate in question and answer sessions. The holidays are here and my miracle is just around the corner - I can feel it! I know I was already granted a huge miracle by surviving this accident but I am ready for another. I hope I am not being too terribly selfish by wanting another miracle but I do believe I'm ready for it. This road has been frustrating and at times it has been scary and slippery but after everything I am ready for something fabulous!
The rest of December:
The rest of the month is a little bit of a whirlwind. Caryn and Mark celebrated their beautiful wedding, I got to spend time with several friends, Jamie went past her due date and we were just waiting to hear from Nate to tell us to get on the road and get to Vegas....except Jackson was apparently very comfortable where he was an was in no hurry to grace the world with his presence. Mom, Dad and I finally decided to pack up and head to Vegas. Jamie was finally induced and my gorgeous nephew Jackson was born on 12/24/2010! I have already promised him that we will never combine his birthday with Christmas, his gifts will always be separate! What a delightful addition to the holidays...being graced with the arrival of a beautiful little prince.
I had an appointment with my neurologist this afternoon and it seems like I am still heading in the right direction! He thinks I am ready to visit a vocational specialist who will help to determine if I am ready to head back to work and in what capacity. He also said I am ready to meet with the driving instructor to get tested and see how much instruction I will need to get back behind the wheel on my own again. I am so happy that the appointment went well and he sees that I am ready to get back out into the real world. He also invited me back to the brain injury conference this year - hopefully I will be on a panel of survivors that participate in question and answer sessions. The holidays are here and my miracle is just around the corner - I can feel it! I know I was already granted a huge miracle by surviving this accident but I am ready for another. I hope I am not being too terribly selfish by wanting another miracle but I do believe I'm ready for it. This road has been frustrating and at times it has been scary and slippery but after everything I am ready for something fabulous!
The rest of December:
The rest of the month is a little bit of a whirlwind. Caryn and Mark celebrated their beautiful wedding, I got to spend time with several friends, Jamie went past her due date and we were just waiting to hear from Nate to tell us to get on the road and get to Vegas....except Jackson was apparently very comfortable where he was an was in no hurry to grace the world with his presence. Mom, Dad and I finally decided to pack up and head to Vegas. Jamie was finally induced and my gorgeous nephew Jackson was born on 12/24/2010! I have already promised him that we will never combine his birthday with Christmas, his gifts will always be separate! What a delightful addition to the holidays...being graced with the arrival of a beautiful little prince.
Friday, April 8, 2011
November 2010
Originally written 11/16/2010
I haven't written in quite awhile, I seem to have gotten caught up in posting my previously written posts. Let's see...what has been going on? My sisters best friend Kristin gave birth this week which came as a huge surprise because Maddie arrived 3 1/2 weeks before they thought she would - scary. Mom and baby are healthy and happy - things just moved alot quicker than anticipated! We did get to have the shower 1 week prior to Maddie's arrival so at least Kristin and Jeremy had received all the gifts and goodies for their little bundle of joy. She is little, 5 lbs, 10 oz - wow, tiny! Jamie decided to learn from Kristin's experience and has already packed her hospital bag even though she is not technically due until mid-December.
Originally written 11/30/2010
Again I find myself falling behind on writing blog posts...really? What other stuff do I have going on? We went to Las Vegas last weekend so we could attend another baby shower being thrown for Jamie, sadly my mom got sick and it knocked her out for the whole weekend and then some. I guess we should look at it as mom's first real mommy lesson for Jamie - you have to stay away from your baby when you are sick - bummer. Mom was stuck in the hotel room all weekend, I got to spend time with Jamie and we did some Christmas shopping and just hung out. Dad helped Nate put up the chair railing in Jackson's room. My dad is a wonderful, giving man but he is not exactly the handiest of fellows. The boys did manage to finish the accents for the room, it looks so great!
We made it back to San Diego and mom was still sick, we had to pass up an invitation to Thanksgiving with great friends because they have a new baby in the family, Madison arrived a little early and we didn't want mom's germs around Madison's premature immune system. I ended up dragging dad to the grocery store and I cooked Thanksgiving for the three of us. It turned out OK - not too impressive but edible. My Christmas shopping is well under way, there are a few things I still need to get but I feel good about what I have accomplished so far.
My beautiful friend Caryn is getting married this coming weekend, I have my jewelry, my shoes, and my purse, my dress is at the cleaners...I am so excited! I get to see Caryn and Mark get married, I will be with fabulous friends and my parents are coming to the wedding as well ~ what a weekend to look forward to!
I haven't written in quite awhile, I seem to have gotten caught up in posting my previously written posts. Let's see...what has been going on? My sisters best friend Kristin gave birth this week which came as a huge surprise because Maddie arrived 3 1/2 weeks before they thought she would - scary. Mom and baby are healthy and happy - things just moved alot quicker than anticipated! We did get to have the shower 1 week prior to Maddie's arrival so at least Kristin and Jeremy had received all the gifts and goodies for their little bundle of joy. She is little, 5 lbs, 10 oz - wow, tiny! Jamie decided to learn from Kristin's experience and has already packed her hospital bag even though she is not technically due until mid-December.
Originally written 11/30/2010
Again I find myself falling behind on writing blog posts...really? What other stuff do I have going on? We went to Las Vegas last weekend so we could attend another baby shower being thrown for Jamie, sadly my mom got sick and it knocked her out for the whole weekend and then some. I guess we should look at it as mom's first real mommy lesson for Jamie - you have to stay away from your baby when you are sick - bummer. Mom was stuck in the hotel room all weekend, I got to spend time with Jamie and we did some Christmas shopping and just hung out. Dad helped Nate put up the chair railing in Jackson's room. My dad is a wonderful, giving man but he is not exactly the handiest of fellows. The boys did manage to finish the accents for the room, it looks so great!
We made it back to San Diego and mom was still sick, we had to pass up an invitation to Thanksgiving with great friends because they have a new baby in the family, Madison arrived a little early and we didn't want mom's germs around Madison's premature immune system. I ended up dragging dad to the grocery store and I cooked Thanksgiving for the three of us. It turned out OK - not too impressive but edible. My Christmas shopping is well under way, there are a few things I still need to get but I feel good about what I have accomplished so far.
My beautiful friend Caryn is getting married this coming weekend, I have my jewelry, my shoes, and my purse, my dress is at the cleaners...I am so excited! I get to see Caryn and Mark get married, I will be with fabulous friends and my parents are coming to the wedding as well ~ what a weekend to look forward to!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Eye surgery
9/14/2010
I haven't blogged in a few weeks now, I think I was freaking out over my surgery. What could have happened? Umm, let's see, it might not work, I may freak out completely while on the operating table, the surgeon could screw up and I may not be able to see anymore, the way my life has been lately I would not be surprised if any of those things happened. There is no limit to how much crap you are dealt and the way things have been lately I wouldn't be surprised if things kept circling down the crapper....so yes, I was scared of so many things and I was certainly not looking forward to having the surgery. The day of surgery finally rolled around, the surgery center called the day of my procedure and said they were running late...of course they were. My surgery ended up being about an hour and a half after it was originally scheduled. I was given an IV with snazzy little drugs to help you relax, then eye drops to numb the eyes - ow, they sting! Apparently the surgery went well, they only did one eye, the right, hopefully they won't have to go back in and do the left eye. The recovery is less than fun, I was good n' pukey in the car on the way home from the surgery. I slept a good part of the rest of the day but I was supposed to stay propped up, so I wasn't super comfortable - I continued to put ice on my face to help alleviate the bruising...it seems to have worked some, swelling isn't bad and the bruising is mostly in the eye...feelin' pretty!
So now what? Now I wait and see if the surgery was successful, I am praying that the double vision is gone and now its time to re-train my eyes and their connection to my brain. I have my post-op appointment on Tuesday - I hope its good news!
9/22/2010
I had eye alignment surgery recently and I'm working on my recovery, its been a long couple of weeks. I was having a slight melt-down prior to the surgery, what could go wrong? I was going to be awake while they did the surgery, I was going to be given drugs that caused slight amnesia, I was afraid that I might be the asshole that freaked out on the operating table and acted horribly toward the doctor who was working so hard to help me, the doctor could slip and with the bad luck I seem to have I could loose my sight....seriously, these were the fears running through my damaged little brain.
I had my post-op appointment and my doctor and he said that my alignment is at least 50% better - yay! I have been feeling like there is sand in my eye, realistically I know it is the stitches I am feeling but I have to admit that eyeballs gross me out and everything about them freaks me out. Of course I am still very much looking forward to the day they tell me I am ready for contacts and even though eyeballs freak me out I will figure out a way to get them in and out of my eyes!I am starting to move around more and I can read for extended periods of time now and once we get this baby shower completed I will head back to the gym - very happy about that!
Jamie will be home for her San Diego baby shower next weekend, we have come up with a Dr. Seuss theme and my mom, Jamie's best friends Kristen and Amber, and myself are working hard to make sure everything is just right. Thank goodness Amber is so creative and comes up with so many great ideas otherwise all the guests would just be sitting around staring at each other! Luckily I think it will all come together nicely, I have the menu planned, we have started buying supplies and I think all of my years of event planning puts me in a much different mindset, because my mom seems to be in a near panic, and I just believe it will all work out the way it is supposed to...who knows who's way is more accurate, time will tell. I cannot wait for Jamie and Nate to receive all of the gifts to start their adventure with Jackson and I am so excited to welcome their little bundle of joy to the world this December. I cannot wait to cuddle with my love bug nephew!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
September
Originally written 9/10/2010
Its been a wild week of doctors appointments and therapy - we have been going up to Encinitas everyday this week except Monday, thankfully my mom is willing to drive me around and doesn't complain at all! Today I am having my first mammogram - I hear they are unpleasant and I am really not looking forward to it but I am glad that my doctor is getting me started on it early because I think early detection is the key and I'm glad my doctor is having me start 5 years before the "minimum" age. I have had too much medical crap in my life lately, now I just go to my appointments and do what they tell me..
Originally written 9/14/2010
I spoke with one of my therapists today about my life now. She was concerned about how people can get caught up in their own lives, time goes by and from the outside it seems like you are better, in an obscure way it can feel like people forget that you are still healing. Yes, I have healed some - yes, my days are easier than they once were but what needs to be remembered is that I still have a long way to go on my healing journey. I have my off days, I get grumpy and I want to cry from time to time. I am still human, my feelings still get hurt, and I still have moments when I feel like my world is falling apart. I will always feel lucky and blessed that I survived this accident, I will always want to know exactly what happened and how it happened and yet I know that I will never have the answers to my questions. There is a definite difference in how my life is now compared to when I first came home from the hospital. I am still fighting to get better but now I am in a place where I have partially healed - I am not ready to live on my own yet and I am not ready to get a job yet, I still cannot drive but I have a definite interest in being included in events still. Of course I need a way to get to the event and I need a place to stay if a night runs late (yes, it is just like being a teenager again). I feel like I miss alot because things come along but I may not have a way to get there or I may not have a place to spend the night so I end up staying home and being bummed out that I am missing things again. I guess the hardest thing about this healing process now is this limbo-stage. I am getting there but I'm not there yet, I wish I knew how to combat these feelings of being unimportant or of being forgotten. I don't have anything new to add to a conversation - I don't have stories from the work place I don't have dating catastrophe's to share, life feels very boring and all too familiar these days. I suppose I could talk about the challenges that my trainer throws my way at the gym or I could talk about the Nifty Knitter I am dabbling with...I am boring myself with this junk...
Its been a wild week of doctors appointments and therapy - we have been going up to Encinitas everyday this week except Monday, thankfully my mom is willing to drive me around and doesn't complain at all! Today I am having my first mammogram - I hear they are unpleasant and I am really not looking forward to it but I am glad that my doctor is getting me started on it early because I think early detection is the key and I'm glad my doctor is having me start 5 years before the "minimum" age. I have had too much medical crap in my life lately, now I just go to my appointments and do what they tell me..
Originally written 9/14/2010
I spoke with one of my therapists today about my life now. She was concerned about how people can get caught up in their own lives, time goes by and from the outside it seems like you are better, in an obscure way it can feel like people forget that you are still healing. Yes, I have healed some - yes, my days are easier than they once were but what needs to be remembered is that I still have a long way to go on my healing journey. I have my off days, I get grumpy and I want to cry from time to time. I am still human, my feelings still get hurt, and I still have moments when I feel like my world is falling apart. I will always feel lucky and blessed that I survived this accident, I will always want to know exactly what happened and how it happened and yet I know that I will never have the answers to my questions. There is a definite difference in how my life is now compared to when I first came home from the hospital. I am still fighting to get better but now I am in a place where I have partially healed - I am not ready to live on my own yet and I am not ready to get a job yet, I still cannot drive but I have a definite interest in being included in events still. Of course I need a way to get to the event and I need a place to stay if a night runs late (yes, it is just like being a teenager again). I feel like I miss alot because things come along but I may not have a way to get there or I may not have a place to spend the night so I end up staying home and being bummed out that I am missing things again. I guess the hardest thing about this healing process now is this limbo-stage. I am getting there but I'm not there yet, I wish I knew how to combat these feelings of being unimportant or of being forgotten. I don't have anything new to add to a conversation - I don't have stories from the work place I don't have dating catastrophe's to share, life feels very boring and all too familiar these days. I suppose I could talk about the challenges that my trainer throws my way at the gym or I could talk about the Nifty Knitter I am dabbling with...I am boring myself with this junk...
Monday, March 21, 2011
Perfectly Imperfect quotes
originally written 8/30/2010
I read another book written by Lee Woodruff, "Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress" - she is an amazing story teller and I will be utilizing many quotes directly from her book to make a few points of my own. These are the topics that struck a chord with me:
FEAR
"When you are driving, you have to have a certain amount of trust and faith: trust that you'll get there safely, faith that the other crazy knuckleheads on the road will stay out of your way. When someone else is driving, you have to give up control. You have to believe that the driver will deliver you in one piece, use the necessary reflexes, make the right decisions, and stay on the road." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I am still a nervous passenger, I find that my eyes are a little more sensitive to light so it is vital that I keep a pair of good sunglasses with me always. When I first came home from the hospital I would catch myself closing my eyes every time I would start to feel scared in the car, I am happy to say that I have trained myself not to shut my eyes every time I feel the panic setting in. If I want to drive again someday I need to get a grip on my emotions in the car. Yes, I was in a horrible accident but I survived so this is me screaming at the universe "bring it on", I will drive again and I will have a more fulfilling life than I have now.
EXTRAS
' "Treat the waiter the same as the CEO", my dad had told me once, "and you'll probably find something to like about everybody." I had tried to use his approach as a template for living. ' Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I love this quote! There is nothing I find more offensive that a person who treats their waiter or waitress with disdain. There is also no excuse for shorting someone on their tip, I will argue this until I am blue in the face. I do not care who you are, what you do or what you say; you will never convince me of your justification for mistreating restaurant staff. Tell me that you have worked in a restaurant and then we can have a conversation, otherwise I hope you believe me when I tell you that you simply cannot understand what it is like. What does this have to do with recovering from a traumatic brain injury? Absolutely nothing. This quote simply gave me a forum to rant about something I feel that I have extraordinary knowledge about.
CAREGIVERS
"After every full-blown crisis comes the moment when the adrenaline retreats and the shoulders sag." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"For so long, I had been in "go" mode, always moving forward, making decisions." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"How does any caregiver really make time for herself in the midst of a cyclone?" Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"I was in emotional pain, as one doctor would explain to me months later. And emotional pain is just as real and uncomfortable as the physical kind." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"In my life, what the miracle of Bob's recovery did more than anything was widen the aperture inside me to witness the presence of small everyday blessings. The big moments are easy to spot. But the real challenge, the art form, is to find gratitude in much simpler things." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"Grief is not a competition. Sorrow is sorrow and fear is fear and loss is loss and we humans are all traveling on the same bandwidth in life." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
One of the reasons I fell in love with this book is because it allows me to get a glimpse of what my parents have been dealing with since my accident, August 1, 2009. Lee Woodruff writes from a caregivers point of view and she helps me see that while this journey of recovery sucks; it doesn't just suck for me. My family has turned their world upside down to make accommodations for me, they allowed me to move home, they take me to see all of my different Doctors. They helped me find a gym and a trainer that works well with me, and they don't seem to mind taking me to and from the gym several times a week. When you hear me say that I feel blessed they are very much the reason.
LIFE LESSONS
"When bad things happen, we all dream of rewinding the tape. But we can't, and so we do the only thing we can: we take those bad things and turn them into situations we can learn from. It's human nature to pan for gold, to find a positive slant in something so negative, because anything less would feel like defeat." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I am left feeling dumbfounded when people say "you are handling everything so well", really I am not handling it well. Believe it or not I do have a filter and it prevents me from saying the mundane inappropriate things that pop into my head ALL the time. I believe that we are expected to learn throughout our entire lives, I believe that I am learning to truly appreciate the gifts that have been in front of me all along. I believe that I would not have been able to progress this far if I did not have the help of the brilliant medical minds that have been looking after me since day-1 of this trauma. I believe that there was a point in the not-too-distant past where I would have just given up and though that this is as far as my recovery will go; yet here I am believing that things will continue to improve if I just keep working at it.
DON'T HANG BACK - MAKE CONTACT
"But it is crucial not to hang back: the bravest and most wonderful thing you can do is to be there for someone else, even if this takes you completely out of your comfort zone. When something goes wrong in a friend's life, it is essential to acknowledge what is happening. Don't give up on them if they try at first to push you away, but take your cue from them, do come back - they will need you later on." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I haven't had anyone give up on me, which is such a blessing. I have had a few disappointments: when i expected something to go one way and it went another way but, such is life. I have been very pleasantly surprised with a few people who I thought were lost to me but this accident has opened up doors and those people are now friends, once again.
HELP THEM FEEL NORMAL
"Sometimes when a person's life has changed so much, they want to hear what normal sounds like; they want you to treat them as if their world is just like it used to be." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I dream of the day where things are "normal" again, things may be a little different but I believe they will "normalize" at some point. Ultimately my likes are still my likes, my dislikes are still the things I would prefer to go without. I like to try new restaurants, I adore spending time with my friends, I like to read, I love to cook, I dream of traveling to Italy. I still hate math, I still cannot play the piano, I still have the urge to act like a complete lunatic to solicitors that come to the front door.
RECOGNIZE THE POWER OF THE HUMAN TOUCH
"When you are visiting the person going through a difficult time, treat him or her like a human being - not a patient. Don't be afraid to make physical contact. Most illnesses and injuries are not contagious. Touches and hugs are one of the most healing things one person can do for another." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
ESTABLISH A HEALTHY INFORMATION EXCHANGE
"In moments of crisis, everyone wants information, and many people deserve to get it from the source, since lines of communication can be confusing and not knowing can be terrifying. Luckily, the Internet has made it much, much easier to disseminate information and update family and friends." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"When you're visiting someone going through a difficult time, don't ask questions that make them recount the whole ordeal, the facts and statistics, or the road ahead. They may not want to talk about the issue at all. Resist the urge to share your own stories about similar illness or diseases and other people you know. Many people think that comparisons are comforting or hopeful, but these stories can actually be terrifying or even insulting." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"Ultimately, the best thing you can do is simply listen to the other person you wish to comfort. Be sure to let them know you are there whenever they need to talk, anytime. You don't always have to have a solution or good advice; sometimes people just need to unburden themselves, or simply say things out loud." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
Thanks to Facebook and Blogspot my story is out there and it is possible to learn everything without having to sit through me trying to tell you everything.
AVOID OVER MOTHERING
"Certain physiological things happen as a result of stress or grief. The caregiver, as well as the patient; is damaged, in crisis and sometimes things inside their brains don't work the way they normally would. Do not repeatedly tell the caregiver to eat or sleep. They cannot." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I have a beautiful, fabulous, wonderful mother but I am a 36 year old woman and I am living at home again, dependant upon my parents to drive me everywhere. Ask me if you are uncertain about anything, otherwise trust that I will do my best to stay out of harms way.
BE SENSITIVE TO WHAT THEY NEED TO HEAR
" Don't be afraid to acknowledge the other person's pain. It's okay to say "This stinks, but I'm here every step of the way." " Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"You play the cards you're dealt.. It's possible that the best approach really is to never stop trying to get your hands on the deck and start dealing them yourself." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
CHOOSE YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS WISELY
"Resist the urge to repeatedly tell the person , "You are so strong." They don't always feel strong, and they don't want to have to act strong in front of you or hold back tears so as not to disappoint your expectations or impressions of them." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"I understood that the woman thought she was being helpful or thoughtful, but I needed to be approached gently and wanted desperately to be treated like a "normal" person, the person I used to be." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
UNDERSTAND WHERE FAITH BELONGS
"But faith, especially, means different things to different people. And in the midst of a crisis, people often experience a wide range of emotions." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"keep in mind that while spiritual comfort can be helpful to some, it may come off as irritating or overly personal for others." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
This is a very difficult topic, I do not want to offend anyone and I want you to turn to what makes you comfortable but faith and religion are not the answer for everyone, just something to keep in mind. I am aware that there was some sort of higher power that stepped in to help me - otherwise I would not be here to tell you my tale.
BE THERE FOR THE LONG HAUL
"In the first days and weeks of a crisis, people come out of the woodwork, flooding you with offers to help, with food and flowers and kind encouragement. This is wonderful, but it can also be overwhelming. The real work begins when all the neighbors have gone back to their own lives, and the patient and family still need occasional support." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"We are all unexpected experts at surviving. We're no different than so many American families: we've acquired scars, opened our eyes, we've grown and stretched, we've ached and rejoiced. We've felt loss keenly, and we've counted our many blessings. None of us will ever underestimate the power of love, family, and the resilience of the human spirit. Through it all, we've been grateful to have kept our sense of humor and our general optimism intact. We may be messy at the edges some days, but we are a family firmly united at our core. In the end, we are proud to be perfectly imperfect." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
FRIENDSHIP
"Now she is a girlfriend of extremes, one with whom I have experienced the unbearable weight and the joyful lightness of being. That kind of friendship is a priceless commodity; it exists in its own safety zone. And while it carries with it responsibility, it is also one of the greatest privileges I know." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I am so lucky to have found a fabulous group of people who are such dear friends to me. So many people have been amazing sounding boards and pillars of support throughout this journey. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and look forward to creating new memories soon.
"until you have unintentionally tested a friendship by enduring a crisis together" - Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"Many times now we can finish each other's sentences, the way I do with my sisters. We've touched black and burned places in each other's souls, those spots we keep covered and bandaged away from others in our lives." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
Lauren has been that kind of friend for me, we have gotten along so well since the beginning of our friendship - back when we were slinging in beers in a hell-hole of a German restaurant in Las Vegas. We had so much fun together that we often were given waitress stations at opposite ends of a one thousand seat restaurant...yet still we would figure out a way to communicate and get ourselves into trouble. Now Lauren has a fabulous job and is living in Hawaii yet we have been very lucky that she has been able to get to San Diego many times for a quick visit, always to be certain that I am doing OK. I am getting better and hopefully soon I can go to Hawaii to visit Lauren for awhile, I am so looking forward to going to our favorite beach and possibly hitting up the Slurpee machine at 7-11...There have been so many people that have stepped in along the way and I want you to know that I am so grateful for your friendship and support along the way. If I failed to mention you directly over the course of this blog I apologize, I hope at some other place in this blog I thought to mention you directly, if I did not than shame on me and please know that I am not blaming my brain injury for my forgetfulness...
"All of us had holes inside, I had come to understand, charred places that never really healed over completely. It wasn't possible to go through life without bruises and battle scars, and perhaps that wasn't the point anyway." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"life moves ever forward, even when we feel incapable of picking up our feet. People adjust, families heal, wounds scar over, although we may never forget."Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
There are days when I feel like I cannot do anything more, there are times when I scream on the inside and wonder why I am facing this recovery. Then directly after those moments of weakness and doubt I remember that I am blessed to have family and friends by my side, I am not going through any of this battle alone. Yes, I get lonely and yes, I am constantly waiting for something else to come along and throw another curve ball my way but if what they say is true and that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger than I feel like I am going to be able to handle anything.
"I hadn't really understood the overarching capacity people have to adapt, to be patient, and to recover. I hadn't factored in the resilience of the human spirit, the very healing powers of time passing, the grace and perspective we find in moments of repose, and the ability of the soul to regenerate." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"I count my blessings for having sisters and girlfriends with whom I can unburden and be as comfortable with as a second skin." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
Final note from Lee Woodruff:
"Finally, my utter admiration goes out to the survivors of brain injuries and their families, both civilian and military. Thank you all for sharing your personal stories with me over the past two years on the road. Your journeys, struggles, and triumphs have made my own life brighter. I pray that no one else will have to walk in our shoes." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff.
It is also my hope that no one else has to go through the uncertainty of recovering from a brain injury, unfortunately I think brain injury is here to stay. Luckily the research is continuing to move forward, now I hope for more resources and more dedication to the study of brain injury and its recovery process. I also find myself wishing for medical insurance companies to be more forward thinking, believe in the recovery process and understand that although you may have to pay more up front you will not be required to pay for such long term care. Allow people the best chance for recovery, they may amaze you with what they can do with that chance.
I read another book written by Lee Woodruff, "Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress" - she is an amazing story teller and I will be utilizing many quotes directly from her book to make a few points of my own. These are the topics that struck a chord with me:
FEAR
"When you are driving, you have to have a certain amount of trust and faith: trust that you'll get there safely, faith that the other crazy knuckleheads on the road will stay out of your way. When someone else is driving, you have to give up control. You have to believe that the driver will deliver you in one piece, use the necessary reflexes, make the right decisions, and stay on the road." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I am still a nervous passenger, I find that my eyes are a little more sensitive to light so it is vital that I keep a pair of good sunglasses with me always. When I first came home from the hospital I would catch myself closing my eyes every time I would start to feel scared in the car, I am happy to say that I have trained myself not to shut my eyes every time I feel the panic setting in. If I want to drive again someday I need to get a grip on my emotions in the car. Yes, I was in a horrible accident but I survived so this is me screaming at the universe "bring it on", I will drive again and I will have a more fulfilling life than I have now.
EXTRAS
' "Treat the waiter the same as the CEO", my dad had told me once, "and you'll probably find something to like about everybody." I had tried to use his approach as a template for living. ' Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I love this quote! There is nothing I find more offensive that a person who treats their waiter or waitress with disdain. There is also no excuse for shorting someone on their tip, I will argue this until I am blue in the face. I do not care who you are, what you do or what you say; you will never convince me of your justification for mistreating restaurant staff. Tell me that you have worked in a restaurant and then we can have a conversation, otherwise I hope you believe me when I tell you that you simply cannot understand what it is like. What does this have to do with recovering from a traumatic brain injury? Absolutely nothing. This quote simply gave me a forum to rant about something I feel that I have extraordinary knowledge about.
CAREGIVERS
"After every full-blown crisis comes the moment when the adrenaline retreats and the shoulders sag." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"For so long, I had been in "go" mode, always moving forward, making decisions." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"How does any caregiver really make time for herself in the midst of a cyclone?" Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"I was in emotional pain, as one doctor would explain to me months later. And emotional pain is just as real and uncomfortable as the physical kind." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"In my life, what the miracle of Bob's recovery did more than anything was widen the aperture inside me to witness the presence of small everyday blessings. The big moments are easy to spot. But the real challenge, the art form, is to find gratitude in much simpler things." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"Grief is not a competition. Sorrow is sorrow and fear is fear and loss is loss and we humans are all traveling on the same bandwidth in life." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
One of the reasons I fell in love with this book is because it allows me to get a glimpse of what my parents have been dealing with since my accident, August 1, 2009. Lee Woodruff writes from a caregivers point of view and she helps me see that while this journey of recovery sucks; it doesn't just suck for me. My family has turned their world upside down to make accommodations for me, they allowed me to move home, they take me to see all of my different Doctors. They helped me find a gym and a trainer that works well with me, and they don't seem to mind taking me to and from the gym several times a week. When you hear me say that I feel blessed they are very much the reason.
LIFE LESSONS
"When bad things happen, we all dream of rewinding the tape. But we can't, and so we do the only thing we can: we take those bad things and turn them into situations we can learn from. It's human nature to pan for gold, to find a positive slant in something so negative, because anything less would feel like defeat." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I am left feeling dumbfounded when people say "you are handling everything so well", really I am not handling it well. Believe it or not I do have a filter and it prevents me from saying the mundane inappropriate things that pop into my head ALL the time. I believe that we are expected to learn throughout our entire lives, I believe that I am learning to truly appreciate the gifts that have been in front of me all along. I believe that I would not have been able to progress this far if I did not have the help of the brilliant medical minds that have been looking after me since day-1 of this trauma. I believe that there was a point in the not-too-distant past where I would have just given up and though that this is as far as my recovery will go; yet here I am believing that things will continue to improve if I just keep working at it.
DON'T HANG BACK - MAKE CONTACT
"But it is crucial not to hang back: the bravest and most wonderful thing you can do is to be there for someone else, even if this takes you completely out of your comfort zone. When something goes wrong in a friend's life, it is essential to acknowledge what is happening. Don't give up on them if they try at first to push you away, but take your cue from them, do come back - they will need you later on." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I haven't had anyone give up on me, which is such a blessing. I have had a few disappointments: when i expected something to go one way and it went another way but, such is life. I have been very pleasantly surprised with a few people who I thought were lost to me but this accident has opened up doors and those people are now friends, once again.
HELP THEM FEEL NORMAL
"Sometimes when a person's life has changed so much, they want to hear what normal sounds like; they want you to treat them as if their world is just like it used to be." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I dream of the day where things are "normal" again, things may be a little different but I believe they will "normalize" at some point. Ultimately my likes are still my likes, my dislikes are still the things I would prefer to go without. I like to try new restaurants, I adore spending time with my friends, I like to read, I love to cook, I dream of traveling to Italy. I still hate math, I still cannot play the piano, I still have the urge to act like a complete lunatic to solicitors that come to the front door.
RECOGNIZE THE POWER OF THE HUMAN TOUCH
"When you are visiting the person going through a difficult time, treat him or her like a human being - not a patient. Don't be afraid to make physical contact. Most illnesses and injuries are not contagious. Touches and hugs are one of the most healing things one person can do for another." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
ESTABLISH A HEALTHY INFORMATION EXCHANGE
"In moments of crisis, everyone wants information, and many people deserve to get it from the source, since lines of communication can be confusing and not knowing can be terrifying. Luckily, the Internet has made it much, much easier to disseminate information and update family and friends." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"When you're visiting someone going through a difficult time, don't ask questions that make them recount the whole ordeal, the facts and statistics, or the road ahead. They may not want to talk about the issue at all. Resist the urge to share your own stories about similar illness or diseases and other people you know. Many people think that comparisons are comforting or hopeful, but these stories can actually be terrifying or even insulting." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"Ultimately, the best thing you can do is simply listen to the other person you wish to comfort. Be sure to let them know you are there whenever they need to talk, anytime. You don't always have to have a solution or good advice; sometimes people just need to unburden themselves, or simply say things out loud." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
Thanks to Facebook and Blogspot my story is out there and it is possible to learn everything without having to sit through me trying to tell you everything.
AVOID OVER MOTHERING
"Certain physiological things happen as a result of stress or grief. The caregiver, as well as the patient; is damaged, in crisis and sometimes things inside their brains don't work the way they normally would. Do not repeatedly tell the caregiver to eat or sleep. They cannot." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I have a beautiful, fabulous, wonderful mother but I am a 36 year old woman and I am living at home again, dependant upon my parents to drive me everywhere. Ask me if you are uncertain about anything, otherwise trust that I will do my best to stay out of harms way.
BE SENSITIVE TO WHAT THEY NEED TO HEAR
" Don't be afraid to acknowledge the other person's pain. It's okay to say "This stinks, but I'm here every step of the way." " Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"You play the cards you're dealt.. It's possible that the best approach really is to never stop trying to get your hands on the deck and start dealing them yourself." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
CHOOSE YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS WISELY
"Resist the urge to repeatedly tell the person , "You are so strong." They don't always feel strong, and they don't want to have to act strong in front of you or hold back tears so as not to disappoint your expectations or impressions of them." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"I understood that the woman thought she was being helpful or thoughtful, but I needed to be approached gently and wanted desperately to be treated like a "normal" person, the person I used to be." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
UNDERSTAND WHERE FAITH BELONGS
"But faith, especially, means different things to different people. And in the midst of a crisis, people often experience a wide range of emotions." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"keep in mind that while spiritual comfort can be helpful to some, it may come off as irritating or overly personal for others." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
This is a very difficult topic, I do not want to offend anyone and I want you to turn to what makes you comfortable but faith and religion are not the answer for everyone, just something to keep in mind. I am aware that there was some sort of higher power that stepped in to help me - otherwise I would not be here to tell you my tale.
BE THERE FOR THE LONG HAUL
"In the first days and weeks of a crisis, people come out of the woodwork, flooding you with offers to help, with food and flowers and kind encouragement. This is wonderful, but it can also be overwhelming. The real work begins when all the neighbors have gone back to their own lives, and the patient and family still need occasional support." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"We are all unexpected experts at surviving. We're no different than so many American families: we've acquired scars, opened our eyes, we've grown and stretched, we've ached and rejoiced. We've felt loss keenly, and we've counted our many blessings. None of us will ever underestimate the power of love, family, and the resilience of the human spirit. Through it all, we've been grateful to have kept our sense of humor and our general optimism intact. We may be messy at the edges some days, but we are a family firmly united at our core. In the end, we are proud to be perfectly imperfect." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
FRIENDSHIP
"Now she is a girlfriend of extremes, one with whom I have experienced the unbearable weight and the joyful lightness of being. That kind of friendship is a priceless commodity; it exists in its own safety zone. And while it carries with it responsibility, it is also one of the greatest privileges I know." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
I am so lucky to have found a fabulous group of people who are such dear friends to me. So many people have been amazing sounding boards and pillars of support throughout this journey. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and look forward to creating new memories soon.
"until you have unintentionally tested a friendship by enduring a crisis together" - Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"Many times now we can finish each other's sentences, the way I do with my sisters. We've touched black and burned places in each other's souls, those spots we keep covered and bandaged away from others in our lives." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
Lauren has been that kind of friend for me, we have gotten along so well since the beginning of our friendship - back when we were slinging in beers in a hell-hole of a German restaurant in Las Vegas. We had so much fun together that we often were given waitress stations at opposite ends of a one thousand seat restaurant...yet still we would figure out a way to communicate and get ourselves into trouble. Now Lauren has a fabulous job and is living in Hawaii yet we have been very lucky that she has been able to get to San Diego many times for a quick visit, always to be certain that I am doing OK. I am getting better and hopefully soon I can go to Hawaii to visit Lauren for awhile, I am so looking forward to going to our favorite beach and possibly hitting up the Slurpee machine at 7-11...There have been so many people that have stepped in along the way and I want you to know that I am so grateful for your friendship and support along the way. If I failed to mention you directly over the course of this blog I apologize, I hope at some other place in this blog I thought to mention you directly, if I did not than shame on me and please know that I am not blaming my brain injury for my forgetfulness...
"All of us had holes inside, I had come to understand, charred places that never really healed over completely. It wasn't possible to go through life without bruises and battle scars, and perhaps that wasn't the point anyway." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"life moves ever forward, even when we feel incapable of picking up our feet. People adjust, families heal, wounds scar over, although we may never forget."Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
There are days when I feel like I cannot do anything more, there are times when I scream on the inside and wonder why I am facing this recovery. Then directly after those moments of weakness and doubt I remember that I am blessed to have family and friends by my side, I am not going through any of this battle alone. Yes, I get lonely and yes, I am constantly waiting for something else to come along and throw another curve ball my way but if what they say is true and that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger than I feel like I am going to be able to handle anything.
"I hadn't really understood the overarching capacity people have to adapt, to be patient, and to recover. I hadn't factored in the resilience of the human spirit, the very healing powers of time passing, the grace and perspective we find in moments of repose, and the ability of the soul to regenerate." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
"I count my blessings for having sisters and girlfriends with whom I can unburden and be as comfortable with as a second skin." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff
Final note from Lee Woodruff:
"Finally, my utter admiration goes out to the survivors of brain injuries and their families, both civilian and military. Thank you all for sharing your personal stories with me over the past two years on the road. Your journeys, struggles, and triumphs have made my own life brighter. I pray that no one else will have to walk in our shoes." Perfectly Imperfect, A life in progress written by Lee Woodruff.
It is also my hope that no one else has to go through the uncertainty of recovering from a brain injury, unfortunately I think brain injury is here to stay. Luckily the research is continuing to move forward, now I hope for more resources and more dedication to the study of brain injury and its recovery process. I also find myself wishing for medical insurance companies to be more forward thinking, believe in the recovery process and understand that although you may have to pay more up front you will not be required to pay for such long term care. Allow people the best chance for recovery, they may amaze you with what they can do with that chance.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
misunderstood & under-represented
Originally written 8/30/2010
I was watching the Emmy's last night, Claire Danes won for lead actress in a miniseries or movie for her role in Temple Grandin - I have not seen the movie but apparently it is about a woman who brought real attention and greater understanding to autism. In her speech Claire Danes spoke to the real Temple Grandin and said that autism finally had a person to identify as a leader in the fight for a disease that is "misunderstood and under-represented". These words "misunderstood and under-represented" really hit home with me, I am in no way comparing traumatic brain injury and autism - I am simply saying that "misunderstood and under-represented" is a very appropriate way to describe TBI. There is a greater understanding of TBI now then there ever has been, for which I am extremely grateful - but there is still a misunderstanding of the whole picture of TBI. The further I find myself from the date of the actual accident is both a blessing and a curse. Its a blessing because I survived, the more time goes by the more synapses seem to connect in this beaten brain of mine, therefore more recovery has happened and the closer I am to being independent once again. It is a curse because when the accident was fresh more people seemed to want to be involved in the process of recovery. I know that it is human nature to tend to be more involved immediately following a catastrophe, what I am hoping is that although a year has passed and although I have gotten better I hope that people will realize that things are still difficult. I don't know if the day will ever arrive when things are simple once again. I hope that I will continue to improve, I hope to be living on my own and working again in the near future, I hope that my upcoming surgery will "fix" my double vision so that I can begin training to drive again...all things considered I know how very lucky I am to even consider having any of these things back in my life, I want so much back and its a long process and I am doing my best to be patient but I find myself getting more frustrated lately and the feelings of frustration seem to be coming at a faster rate.
I was watching the Emmy's last night, Claire Danes won for lead actress in a miniseries or movie for her role in Temple Grandin - I have not seen the movie but apparently it is about a woman who brought real attention and greater understanding to autism. In her speech Claire Danes spoke to the real Temple Grandin and said that autism finally had a person to identify as a leader in the fight for a disease that is "misunderstood and under-represented". These words "misunderstood and under-represented" really hit home with me, I am in no way comparing traumatic brain injury and autism - I am simply saying that "misunderstood and under-represented" is a very appropriate way to describe TBI. There is a greater understanding of TBI now then there ever has been, for which I am extremely grateful - but there is still a misunderstanding of the whole picture of TBI. The further I find myself from the date of the actual accident is both a blessing and a curse. Its a blessing because I survived, the more time goes by the more synapses seem to connect in this beaten brain of mine, therefore more recovery has happened and the closer I am to being independent once again. It is a curse because when the accident was fresh more people seemed to want to be involved in the process of recovery. I know that it is human nature to tend to be more involved immediately following a catastrophe, what I am hoping is that although a year has passed and although I have gotten better I hope that people will realize that things are still difficult. I don't know if the day will ever arrive when things are simple once again. I hope that I will continue to improve, I hope to be living on my own and working again in the near future, I hope that my upcoming surgery will "fix" my double vision so that I can begin training to drive again...all things considered I know how very lucky I am to even consider having any of these things back in my life, I want so much back and its a long process and I am doing my best to be patient but I find myself getting more frustrated lately and the feelings of frustration seem to be coming at a faster rate.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
8/27/2010
Things have been going pretty well lately, I was approved for more therapy and I am working with PT and OT to ensure that I have more of a "home program" for when insurance makes things difficult again. I like going to therapy because its so helpful to get the immediate feedback from trained professionals. My parents and my friends can tell me that they see a difference or that they think I'm getting better but those comments never receive the rush of relief that I feel when I hear those beautiful words from my therapists.
My girlfriends are in Palm Springs for the weekend celebrating a bachelorette party - while I am thrilled for the bride and I want the ladies to have a great time I can't help but feel left out. I know that they worry about me and probably think that it is better for me not to be at an event that may get a bit out of hand, there may be some insane amounts of drinking and they want to make sure that I am not hurt in anyway. At the same time its a reminder that I am not "normal" yet, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I have improved, it is never enough. I don't expect for life to be a cake walk from here on out, I know that there will be challenges and I am certain that my heart will be broken by some random boy again someday, I just keep wondering "when will it get a little easier?" I do realize that I am just having a moment of great self-pity and hopefully later today or tomorrow morning the moment will have passed and things can get back to my new normal but for now I am going to wallow in these feelings. I am going to allow myself to be angry that I am too broken to be included in something that is all about fun and celebration. I have said before and I will reiterate, I don't think I am treating this injury much different that anyone else would - it sucks and its hard but it has made me truly cherish the people that have stuck by me and it has made me grateful for the second chances it has created. I know that I can still have amazing experiences and I know that there are still great things out there for me,- they're just waiting for me to find them... my path may be a little different than everyone else's but I do have a future waiting for me, it happens to be a future that I am truly grateful for! I am still able to spend time with my best friend and while I may move a little slower - we still laugh at all the same stupid crap we used to, or we find new stupid crap to entertain ourselves with - we are still able to find the fun in everything.
My girlfriends are in Palm Springs for the weekend celebrating a bachelorette party - while I am thrilled for the bride and I want the ladies to have a great time I can't help but feel left out. I know that they worry about me and probably think that it is better for me not to be at an event that may get a bit out of hand, there may be some insane amounts of drinking and they want to make sure that I am not hurt in anyway. At the same time its a reminder that I am not "normal" yet, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I have improved, it is never enough. I don't expect for life to be a cake walk from here on out, I know that there will be challenges and I am certain that my heart will be broken by some random boy again someday, I just keep wondering "when will it get a little easier?" I do realize that I am just having a moment of great self-pity and hopefully later today or tomorrow morning the moment will have passed and things can get back to my new normal but for now I am going to wallow in these feelings. I am going to allow myself to be angry that I am too broken to be included in something that is all about fun and celebration. I have said before and I will reiterate, I don't think I am treating this injury much different that anyone else would - it sucks and its hard but it has made me truly cherish the people that have stuck by me and it has made me grateful for the second chances it has created. I know that I can still have amazing experiences and I know that there are still great things out there for me,- they're just waiting for me to find them... my path may be a little different than everyone else's but I do have a future waiting for me, it happens to be a future that I am truly grateful for! I am still able to spend time with my best friend and while I may move a little slower - we still laugh at all the same stupid crap we used to, or we find new stupid crap to entertain ourselves with - we are still able to find the fun in everything.
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| Lunch a the Local |
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| Adult bevies at the hotel rooftop bar |
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| Dinner at the Strip Club |
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| Cooking our entree - watch out boys, she has tongs! |
So yes, its been a rough day but, guess what? Everyone has a rough day from time to time, see- I'm not that different after all and with that said and thought out - POOF, bad mood and self-pity has disappeared!
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