Live Day 2010

Originally written August 2010

The anniversary of the accident has rolled around for the first time, some things seem like they are going by so quickly while other things seem to be moving at a snail's pace.  When I got to thinking about the fact that it has been a full year since the accident that changed my life I decided there were two ways of looking at it:
1) I could be sad and cry and spend the day feeling sorry for myself OR 2) I could spend the time with my family and close friends, having fun and being grateful that I am still here to be a part of every one's lives.  My therapist told me that alot of brain injury patients are calling the anniversary of their accident their "live day" - because they lived through something horrific. I like that and we are celebrating my live day with a summer BBQ and decorating somewhat Hawaiian-style!

with Caryn and Janet

Laura, Ruth and William 

Dick, Gail and Beth

Ruth, William, Matt and I

Dana and Bryn

John, Dana and Jack (due in November)

Ruth, Caryn, Janet and Laura

Kate, William and I

Dad and Scott - grill masters!

Luckily my parents are very encouraging of me and my hopes to spend time with my friends.  We spent a fair amount of time shopping for decorations and groceries, cleaned up the house and the yard, and prepped all the food AND tried to make sure that everyone had a nice time.  Whewww, I definitely still get worn out easier than I used to and it takes me longer to recuperate than it once did but it was worth it!  I loved planning the party, creating the menu, prepping the food and watching it all come to fruition. I think everyone had a good time and it was so nice to get everyone together and thank them for their kind thoughts and generous words during the roughest time of my life.  Plus, I just love feeding people - I am most comfortable in the kitchen and I find it gratifying that you know immediately if guests are happy with their food.  Yes, I do know that people think its crazy that I love to cook, go to the grocery store and read cook books and culinary magazines ~ to each his own and if you are benefiting from my quirky love of cooking than might I suggest that you just sit back and enjoy it?!

This quote was on the hospital wall in Hawaii and we all fell in love with it ~ it makes sense and it matters, I hope you take it to heart! 

Do what makes you happy...

Be with those who make you Smile..

Laugh as much as you Breathe...

Love as long as you Live...

author unknown

To my loved ones who could not be here for the Live Day party I send you big hugs and thoughts of love and light.  Your prayers and your diligence are so appreciated and I want you to know that I adore you for it!  Thank you for being such an important part of my life, I hope I get to see you again soon!

8/1/2010

How do I talk about how I feel about the anniversary of the accident rolling around?  It has been a crazy year and its hard to believe a whole year has passed already.  When I think back to everything that happened over the past year I get a little overwhelmed.  I received so many lovely messages from friends today and I was able to spend time with good friends and celebrate Miss Alexa's 8th birthday.  I also got to finally see Caryn's beautiful home in OB and get to know Mark a little bit better.  Caryn and I went to the Local to celebrate Sean's birthday and I got to see lots of friends that I hadn't seen in a long time.  I loved seeing so many people and it seemed like the perfect way for me to recognize the day - surrounded by friends who are a supportive of my recovery. I look back at the past year and I'm simply dumbfounded.

Let's review: unexplainable accident, slip into a coma, ambulance ride to the Kona hospital, Life-Flight via helicopter to Oahu, admittance to the Queens hospital Neuro ICU, receive tracheotomy (an opening in the windpipe to permit me to breathe), receive feeding tube, move out of neuro ICU to a step down unit, fight my way out of my coma, transfer to the Rehab of the pacific, learn to talk, sit, stand and walk again, get tracheotomy and feeding tube removed (ouch), learn to eat again, work with physical, occupational and speech therapists to regain so many skills....FINALLY released from Rehab towards the end of October - after 11+ weeks in the hospital it was time to go home to San Diego.

My dad and my sister went from Oahu to the Big Island and packed up my condo, threw all of my stuff into storage and handled my life for me while I couldn't handle it for myself.  Yes, I miss living in paradise and yes, I miss having the carefree lifestyle I had while living on my own and there is only so much that is in my own control anymore - it is what it is and I just have to figure out how to deal with it.  It always amazes me when people say"you are handling yourself so well" and honestly its a good thing that people cannot hear what I am thinking: there's alot of cursing and alot of venting which just erases any and all classy intentions I may have.  It also stuns me when people mention that they think I'm inspirational.  The funny thing is that I simply don't see another way, I want to get better and I want to complete this recovery process.  The whole process is extremely slow and patience has never been a strong trait of mine.  In order to get better I have to keep moving, I have to work on my balance, I actually enjoy going to see my trainer - even though rebuilding all of the muscle I lost last year in painful and hard, I feel better every time something is a little easier today than it was yesterday - I see these improvements with actions at the gym and with the different things I work on at physical therapy.  I see that things in the kitchen are becoming more second nature to me, I may never have the easy time I once did but I can still read a recipe, I can still figure out how to tweak a recipe to make it that much better, I think about a few things - what would I add, how would I change it?  I still have an odd obsession with culinary magazines and TV shows, I can stand on my own two feet and I can get things in and out of the oven; ultimately things could be a lot worse and I just have to keep reminding myself that I am so lucky because things could have easily gone in the opposite direction for me.

The last week of July 2010

Originally written July 2010

Alexa's 8th birthday
Kate and Dave held a joint birthday party for their kids - Joel's birthday fell at a very busy time in the past year and they were unable to have a party for him at the time.  They ended up having a party for both kids at the Wave House in PB.  The kids were given an hour to play on a wave machine (the Flow Rider) and then they were given two hours at an indoor pool with  party hosts who played games with them and lifeguards that looked out for their safety.

 Kate did me the honor of asking me to help make the cake for the party, Kate had seen a cake that she loved but decided that she could make it bigger and for she felt that she could make it for alot less money.  Of course, their was a small amount of drama because Kate is Kate and somehow she always seems to face obstacles in everything she does.  (I love you Kate, but you know that I am not lying)  Kate had visions of a cake that would have been possible if I would have started planning it two weeks in advance and if I had access to and industrial size refrigerator.  Unfortunately the party was the next day, it was 3:00 in the afternoon and we still had to go to the grocery store.  I managed to talk Kate into cupcakes and I was able to make them with ocean-colored icing and we found really cool sugar pieces to decorate them with.  I think they turned out pretty good - if I do say so myself!

icing colors

 

This week was also Sean's birthday at the Local.   I had really wanted to go but couldn't figure out how to get downtown and then home again at a decent hour - and yes, it does feel like I am 15 years old and worried about a ride and my curfew...wait, my boyfriend in high school had the curfew - not me!  Caryn offered to have me spend the night at her house the night of Sean's birthday celebration, it was great fun to be back out around people that I have known for a long time.  I was able to wish Sean  "happy birthday" in person and I got to see alot of people I hadn't seen in a long time.  It was fun to see the Local in full swing and I did take note of the fact  that I can still be out and amongst people in a "normal" setting.   The music was a little too loud for my taste and alot of that stems from the fact that I have a harder time hearing people now - I think that I have to concentrate on so much on everything else, therefore my hearing suffers.  All hearing tests have come back with my hearing in a normal range, I don't have any physical impairments with my hearing so the only thing that makes sense is that I don't seem to be able to handle too much going on at once.

TBI info

Originally written July 2010

I am so happy to see more information about traumatic brain injuries (TBI) available to the public lately, there have been programs on TV making brain injury more of a reality to everyone.  I have seen brain injury covered on MTV's 'True Life',   'Army Wives', and its much more common in newspaper articles.  I am so grateful that TBI is becoming more common place and people don't look at me like I'm crazy when I have to tell them about my injury.  Its also so unfortunate that TBI has become so much more common because of the war and the dangers that our soldiers are up against.  I have an interest in working with TBI in the future, I am not trained as a therapist and I have no interest in going back to school but I feel like there has to be something I can do to help.  I'm thinking about something in the bigger picture, something I can do to actually make a living.  I feel like I could be more understanding than a "regular" person, I would be able to talk about my actual experiences which might in turn help someone else suffering from TBI....how does that get turned into a paying job?

I have been given the green light to return to therapy for a short time, and thankfully we have found that I am still getting better.  I am always so pleased to hear the outcomes of the testing from the therapists.  There is a part of me that believes things would be moving along quicker if my medical insurance wasn't evil and simply permitted me to have the therapy they say I need in order to get the most recovery possible.  Then there's the other part of me that believes that no matter what obstacles insurance throws in my way I will persevere.  I am awfully stubborn and I believe that being stubborn will work in my favor this time, it has to, there just aren't any other options.  Yes~ I get tired more quickly than I used to, yes ~ I beat myself up a little every time something is hard for me now when it didn't used to be, yes~ I get angry when I think about why I am in this position in the first place, there is nothing I can do about all of that.  All of that frustration is the fuel that will get me through to the next level of recovery.

7/10/2010

Its been a good week - I made it to the gym three times and I can stay on the elliptical machine for 20 minutes now, its amazing that I feel such a sense of accomplishment at something that used to be so simple for me! I went with Kate and the kids to Belmont Park in Mission Beach and watched Joel practice his body boarding in a wave pool.

I also got to have the Taintors over for dinner as they are on their way back to Washington after a vacation to their property in Mexico.  It has been decided that it is time for me to get a passport so I can visit them in Mexico, why do i foresee all kinds of adventures (read: trouble) for Lauren and I in Mexico?  The most beautiful part about meeting Mark and Renee is that I feel like they have been a part of my life for a very long time, even though in reality I only met them in 2007.  I went to WA with Lauren and I was fortunate to meet her parents and become a part of their family.  It doesn't seem strange to me that it was so easy to fit into her family, my friendship with Lauren has been easy from day 1, it makes sense to me that there was a space in Taintorville for me to fill.

napkins that Jamie snuck into my Christmas stocking...

4th of July and more

Originally written July 2010

Today is Independence day and that has such a different meaning to me now, my independence has been severely compromised because of this accident. We spent the day with the Swan family which was so fun, the only thing missing was my sister and Nate. I didn't get to see any fireworks because I was just too darn tired to stay wake for the show by the time the fireworks rolled around.


This accident has made me think about the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be, it has also made me think about the kind of legacy I want to leave. Oddly enough I had an x-boyfriend contact me recently which is SO strange, I haven't heard from him in years, to be honest I didn't think he still knew my name. Apparently he was talking with another friend of mine, she mentioned my accident, he hadn't heard anything about the accident and now he and I are "friends" on facebook - weirder things have happened, right? Looking back at the time I spent with Jason makes me a little sad, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and the relationship completely imploded. I lost parts of myself along the way, I think I was trying so desperately to hang on to him that I gave up on looking out for myself, there's a mistake I won't be making again. I wanted so badly to believe that I was enough, that I was going to be his everything and finally be enough for somebody but that's just not reality. You cannot be everything to someone else - its too much pressure on both you and on them and if you really think about it - once you are everything to someone else - what's leftover for you? Had I known now what was going to happen between us I will be honest, I would probably do it all over again. That's not exactly true, I think I would still make sacrifices to feel that kind of strong bond with somebody but I would not move so far away from my core of friends and family with so many questions left unanswered. I'd like to believe that I would have been more true to myself and I wish I would have handled everything with a lot more grace. I should have stood up for myself when things weren't going well between us, I shouldn't have allowed him to mistreat me. I should have admitted that I was over-qualified for my crappy job and had the balls to go back to California and start new. Those are all things that I learned from, those are the mistakes that I am not willing to repeat. I was petrified to go home and look everyone in the face and admit that I had failed. Had I have been more true to myself and stood up for what I knew was right, maybe it wouldn't have wrecked me so completely when Jason and I ended.
"There were a few years there, lost in border-less despair, when I used to experience the world's sadness as my own. Everything sad leaked through me and left damp traces behind." Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. My time with Jason did end and it took me a long time to put the pieces of my life back together but once I did I had built a life that I could be proud of. I worked my way up the ladder in catering at hotels, I took a chance and went to culinary school which I adored. I earned an internship at the Four Seasons on the Big Island of Hawaii. I eventually left the Four Seasons after a year and built the pastry department at the Sheraton Keauhou Bay, which miraculously, I became the head of. I had done it, I was working in a field that continuously challenged me and I loved it. I had moved far away to a place that I had never been,. I remember how excited I was at the prospect of moving to a place where nobody knew me and I could be whomever I chose to be
I dated a good guy when I lived in Las Vegas, I wish I would have been ready for what he represented but I wasn't ready. I had amazing times with him and I am grateful that he showed me how I deserve to be treated well.

"When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn't look good. It's been one catastrophe after another." Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am embarrassed when I look at my romantic history, I can't help but think "what's wrong with me?" There's another part of me that knows better, the part that believes there is someone out there for me, maybe I just haven't met him yet. There is a nagging little voice that asks 'who in the world would want to date somebody who has lasting problems from a major head injury? You live at home with your parents, you can't drive, you aren't working...and the list goes on and on. ' Then there is another voice that reminds me that I am living with my parents for now, I can't drive yet, I'm not working yet ... I obviously have alot of work to do but I will get there.
I have also learned to aim big, work hard and be kind. Be kind to yourself and be kind to those around you - you never know what is around the next corner, your kindness could be the thing that helps someone through a very rough spot. Set goals for yourself and do everything in your power to achieve those goals, that's my plan. Right now my goals are small because they have to be small but I will do my damnedest to make sure that I reach bigger goals too; I will work again, I will be able to drive again and not be so dependant on everyone around me. I will live on my own again and not feel like a complete failure at the age of 35. Slowly my goals will get bigger and my life will feel more well-rounded. I have to remind myself that things could have gone in a completely different direction for me, I will forever be thankful that I am still alive and I am more determined than ever to make a positive difference in the world...

Excellent week

Its been an amazing week - it takes so little to make me happy these days.  My family went to Escondido to have dinner with our family friends and we lucked out because Michelle, her husband Sean and their beautiful daughter Maddy were in San Diego for a visit - so I finally got to meet Sean and Maddy.  Maddy became my new buddy and she is truly a lovely little girl, she is fun, outgoing and personable. She has the sweetest giggle and we had a hard tine paying any attention to our dinners. She will be 3 years old soon, is it weird that my newest pal is 3?
My lovely friend Nicole Brebner Spradlin is in San Diego for a short visit and yesterday I got to have lunch with Nicole, Kate and Ruth.  I was also able to meet Nicole's beautiful daughters Kylie and Taylor.  Its hard to believe but I have known Nicole since the 6th grade - how crazy is that?  We've been friends throughout so much, we've been roommates, had good times and bad, and after not hearing from Nicole in a long time she was told of my accident and made so many efforts to let me know she was thinking about me and praying for my recovery.  Nicole sent emails, cards and pictures to me in the hospital and she stayed current on my condition by staying in contact with Kate.  Kate, Ruth, Nicole and I went to lunch at Hash House A Go Go, Kate, Nicole and I went for coffee in PB and then we went to camp land by the bay to meet up with Nicole's mom and daughters.  Kate and I spent the evening by grabbing dinner and seeing a girlie movie - I am so grateful and I feel so lucky to have such amazing girlfriends.  The kind of friends who will do anything for you; they boost you up when you are feeling down,  they offer advice when you are confused about just what to do, they will drive you around when you can't drive yourself, and they always find a way to make you laugh when what you really want to do is cry.
In addition to all the other greatness this week we went up Escondido for breakfast and I got to spend the morning with my new pal Maddy - she is such a joy to be around and a great reminder of how little it takes to make a child happy, a life lesson that the adults need to be reminded of every once in awhile.
We also went to our neighbors house for dinner, they always take the time to make gluten-free foods that my mom can confidently eat; just one more aspect of true friendship: they will take care of you in what may seen like a small way but in the grand scheme of things; its the small ways that make all the difference.

A day out with Kate and the kids

I was able to spend the day with Kate, Joel and Alexa yesterday.  We went to Balboa park and spent the day at the Ruben H. Fleet science museum, saw a super cool dolphin movie and went to an early dinner at Pizzeria Uno...so fun!  I had a very interesting conversation with Alexa about my recovery process - I explained to her that for awhile it seemed like I could see that I was getting better at a pretty fast rate but the doctors warned me that it would slow down, and it definitely has.  Now its hard for me to see any improvements so I was telling her that I like to see my therapists because hey can point out specific things that have improved.  She said "Auntie Nikki, I know that you are still getting better because I see a big difference from when you first came home, and not matter what I love you!"  Can I just tell you how much it means to hear those words from my favorite soon-to-be third grade girl?  Kids are honest and they are going to tell you what they really think, whether you want to hear it or not...

Vegas in June

originally written June 2010

I went to Las Vegas with my parents to visit Jamie and Nate which would have been fabulous all by itself BUT someone was smiling down on me from up above and Lauren just happened to be flying in for an overnight in Vegas while we were there. Not only did I get to spend time with my family but I also got to see my best friend, what a great week!

                                             We found this handsome guy outside of Aria!

  Chocolate flowers at Jean-Philippe at Aria - holy talent! 

 Coffee and breakfast at Jean-Philipe at Aria

Outside of the Viva Elvis show at Aria, Lauren channeling her inner rock-star! 

Spring conservatory at Belagio