8/1/2010

How do I talk about how I feel about the anniversary of the accident rolling around?  It has been a crazy year and its hard to believe a whole year has passed already.  When I think back to everything that happened over the past year I get a little overwhelmed.  I received so many lovely messages from friends today and I was able to spend time with good friends and celebrate Miss Alexa's 8th birthday.  I also got to finally see Caryn's beautiful home in OB and get to know Mark a little bit better.  Caryn and I went to the Local to celebrate Sean's birthday and I got to see lots of friends that I hadn't seen in a long time.  I loved seeing so many people and it seemed like the perfect way for me to recognize the day - surrounded by friends who are a supportive of my recovery. I look back at the past year and I'm simply dumbfounded.

Let's review: unexplainable accident, slip into a coma, ambulance ride to the Kona hospital, Life-Flight via helicopter to Oahu, admittance to the Queens hospital Neuro ICU, receive tracheotomy (an opening in the windpipe to permit me to breathe), receive feeding tube, move out of neuro ICU to a step down unit, fight my way out of my coma, transfer to the Rehab of the pacific, learn to talk, sit, stand and walk again, get tracheotomy and feeding tube removed (ouch), learn to eat again, work with physical, occupational and speech therapists to regain so many skills....FINALLY released from Rehab towards the end of October - after 11+ weeks in the hospital it was time to go home to San Diego.

My dad and my sister went from Oahu to the Big Island and packed up my condo, threw all of my stuff into storage and handled my life for me while I couldn't handle it for myself.  Yes, I miss living in paradise and yes, I miss having the carefree lifestyle I had while living on my own and there is only so much that is in my own control anymore - it is what it is and I just have to figure out how to deal with it.  It always amazes me when people say"you are handling yourself so well" and honestly its a good thing that people cannot hear what I am thinking: there's alot of cursing and alot of venting which just erases any and all classy intentions I may have.  It also stuns me when people mention that they think I'm inspirational.  The funny thing is that I simply don't see another way, I want to get better and I want to complete this recovery process.  The whole process is extremely slow and patience has never been a strong trait of mine.  In order to get better I have to keep moving, I have to work on my balance, I actually enjoy going to see my trainer - even though rebuilding all of the muscle I lost last year in painful and hard, I feel better every time something is a little easier today than it was yesterday - I see these improvements with actions at the gym and with the different things I work on at physical therapy.  I see that things in the kitchen are becoming more second nature to me, I may never have the easy time I once did but I can still read a recipe, I can still figure out how to tweak a recipe to make it that much better, I think about a few things - what would I add, how would I change it?  I still have an odd obsession with culinary magazines and TV shows, I can stand on my own two feet and I can get things in and out of the oven; ultimately things could be a lot worse and I just have to keep reminding myself that I am so lucky because things could have easily gone in the opposite direction for me.