4th of July and more

Originally written July 2010

Today is Independence day and that has such a different meaning to me now, my independence has been severely compromised because of this accident. We spent the day with the Swan family which was so fun, the only thing missing was my sister and Nate. I didn't get to see any fireworks because I was just too darn tired to stay wake for the show by the time the fireworks rolled around.


This accident has made me think about the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be, it has also made me think about the kind of legacy I want to leave. Oddly enough I had an x-boyfriend contact me recently which is SO strange, I haven't heard from him in years, to be honest I didn't think he still knew my name. Apparently he was talking with another friend of mine, she mentioned my accident, he hadn't heard anything about the accident and now he and I are "friends" on facebook - weirder things have happened, right? Looking back at the time I spent with Jason makes me a little sad, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and the relationship completely imploded. I lost parts of myself along the way, I think I was trying so desperately to hang on to him that I gave up on looking out for myself, there's a mistake I won't be making again. I wanted so badly to believe that I was enough, that I was going to be his everything and finally be enough for somebody but that's just not reality. You cannot be everything to someone else - its too much pressure on both you and on them and if you really think about it - once you are everything to someone else - what's leftover for you? Had I known now what was going to happen between us I will be honest, I would probably do it all over again. That's not exactly true, I think I would still make sacrifices to feel that kind of strong bond with somebody but I would not move so far away from my core of friends and family with so many questions left unanswered. I'd like to believe that I would have been more true to myself and I wish I would have handled everything with a lot more grace. I should have stood up for myself when things weren't going well between us, I shouldn't have allowed him to mistreat me. I should have admitted that I was over-qualified for my crappy job and had the balls to go back to California and start new. Those are all things that I learned from, those are the mistakes that I am not willing to repeat. I was petrified to go home and look everyone in the face and admit that I had failed. Had I have been more true to myself and stood up for what I knew was right, maybe it wouldn't have wrecked me so completely when Jason and I ended.
"There were a few years there, lost in border-less despair, when I used to experience the world's sadness as my own. Everything sad leaked through me and left damp traces behind." Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. My time with Jason did end and it took me a long time to put the pieces of my life back together but once I did I had built a life that I could be proud of. I worked my way up the ladder in catering at hotels, I took a chance and went to culinary school which I adored. I earned an internship at the Four Seasons on the Big Island of Hawaii. I eventually left the Four Seasons after a year and built the pastry department at the Sheraton Keauhou Bay, which miraculously, I became the head of. I had done it, I was working in a field that continuously challenged me and I loved it. I had moved far away to a place that I had never been,. I remember how excited I was at the prospect of moving to a place where nobody knew me and I could be whomever I chose to be
I dated a good guy when I lived in Las Vegas, I wish I would have been ready for what he represented but I wasn't ready. I had amazing times with him and I am grateful that he showed me how I deserve to be treated well.

"When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn't look good. It's been one catastrophe after another." Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am embarrassed when I look at my romantic history, I can't help but think "what's wrong with me?" There's another part of me that knows better, the part that believes there is someone out there for me, maybe I just haven't met him yet. There is a nagging little voice that asks 'who in the world would want to date somebody who has lasting problems from a major head injury? You live at home with your parents, you can't drive, you aren't working...and the list goes on and on. ' Then there is another voice that reminds me that I am living with my parents for now, I can't drive yet, I'm not working yet ... I obviously have alot of work to do but I will get there.
I have also learned to aim big, work hard and be kind. Be kind to yourself and be kind to those around you - you never know what is around the next corner, your kindness could be the thing that helps someone through a very rough spot. Set goals for yourself and do everything in your power to achieve those goals, that's my plan. Right now my goals are small because they have to be small but I will do my damnedest to make sure that I reach bigger goals too; I will work again, I will be able to drive again and not be so dependant on everyone around me. I will live on my own again and not feel like a complete failure at the age of 35. Slowly my goals will get bigger and my life will feel more well-rounded. I have to remind myself that things could have gone in a completely different direction for me, I will forever be thankful that I am still alive and I am more determined than ever to make a positive difference in the world...

Excellent week

Its been an amazing week - it takes so little to make me happy these days.  My family went to Escondido to have dinner with our family friends and we lucked out because Michelle, her husband Sean and their beautiful daughter Maddy were in San Diego for a visit - so I finally got to meet Sean and Maddy.  Maddy became my new buddy and she is truly a lovely little girl, she is fun, outgoing and personable. She has the sweetest giggle and we had a hard tine paying any attention to our dinners. She will be 3 years old soon, is it weird that my newest pal is 3?
My lovely friend Nicole Brebner Spradlin is in San Diego for a short visit and yesterday I got to have lunch with Nicole, Kate and Ruth.  I was also able to meet Nicole's beautiful daughters Kylie and Taylor.  Its hard to believe but I have known Nicole since the 6th grade - how crazy is that?  We've been friends throughout so much, we've been roommates, had good times and bad, and after not hearing from Nicole in a long time she was told of my accident and made so many efforts to let me know she was thinking about me and praying for my recovery.  Nicole sent emails, cards and pictures to me in the hospital and she stayed current on my condition by staying in contact with Kate.  Kate, Ruth, Nicole and I went to lunch at Hash House A Go Go, Kate, Nicole and I went for coffee in PB and then we went to camp land by the bay to meet up with Nicole's mom and daughters.  Kate and I spent the evening by grabbing dinner and seeing a girlie movie - I am so grateful and I feel so lucky to have such amazing girlfriends.  The kind of friends who will do anything for you; they boost you up when you are feeling down,  they offer advice when you are confused about just what to do, they will drive you around when you can't drive yourself, and they always find a way to make you laugh when what you really want to do is cry.
In addition to all the other greatness this week we went up Escondido for breakfast and I got to spend the morning with my new pal Maddy - she is such a joy to be around and a great reminder of how little it takes to make a child happy, a life lesson that the adults need to be reminded of every once in awhile.
We also went to our neighbors house for dinner, they always take the time to make gluten-free foods that my mom can confidently eat; just one more aspect of true friendship: they will take care of you in what may seen like a small way but in the grand scheme of things; its the small ways that make all the difference.

A day out with Kate and the kids

I was able to spend the day with Kate, Joel and Alexa yesterday.  We went to Balboa park and spent the day at the Ruben H. Fleet science museum, saw a super cool dolphin movie and went to an early dinner at Pizzeria Uno...so fun!  I had a very interesting conversation with Alexa about my recovery process - I explained to her that for awhile it seemed like I could see that I was getting better at a pretty fast rate but the doctors warned me that it would slow down, and it definitely has.  Now its hard for me to see any improvements so I was telling her that I like to see my therapists because hey can point out specific things that have improved.  She said "Auntie Nikki, I know that you are still getting better because I see a big difference from when you first came home, and not matter what I love you!"  Can I just tell you how much it means to hear those words from my favorite soon-to-be third grade girl?  Kids are honest and they are going to tell you what they really think, whether you want to hear it or not...

Vegas in June

originally written June 2010

I went to Las Vegas with my parents to visit Jamie and Nate which would have been fabulous all by itself BUT someone was smiling down on me from up above and Lauren just happened to be flying in for an overnight in Vegas while we were there. Not only did I get to spend time with my family but I also got to see my best friend, what a great week!

                                             We found this handsome guy outside of Aria!

  Chocolate flowers at Jean-Philippe at Aria - holy talent! 

 Coffee and breakfast at Jean-Philipe at Aria

Outside of the Viva Elvis show at Aria, Lauren channeling her inner rock-star! 

Spring conservatory at Belagio

Heather's visit

originally written June 2010

"Friends are angels who lift our feet when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly.” I read this quote recently and it made me think of so many people - I have been so blessed throughout my recovery with the amazing love and support from so many people.  Heather is definitely one of those blessings!

 My friend Heather recently came to visit from Arizona, we discovered that it had been 5 years since we last saw one another. Its hard to beieve that it had been so long but the beautiful thing about true friendships is that they can handle a little separation. It took Heather and I about 2 minutes to "catch up" and get back on track. She listened to the story of my accident, listened to my parents tell what they had witnessed, looked through all the photographs from my time in the hospital, and still, she is my friend.  I know that we will remain close after this visit, hopefully I will be able to travel on my own again one day because Heather has invited me to visit her in Arizona and stay with her at her house~ which I would love to be able to do!

We also got to see our friend Regan while Heather was in town.  We saw Regan, her husband Brian, and we were able to meet their beautiful twin girls Quinn and Zoe. What a great weekend!

Joining the gym

originally written June 2010

I have recently joined a new gym. I am so excited to have good, dependable equipment to work out on again, plus they have a pool where I can do water aerobics and walk in the lanes with water weights. I also signed up for a trainer once a week - which is super cool. So far, I have met wonderful people at the gym and I believe that they really want to help me recover. Telling the story of my accident is always tricky because I never know how people will respond, but as I told my story to the people at LA Fitness I was pleasantly surprised at how they seemed to understand my limitations yet still see the potential for me to continue recovering. I'm up to 17 minutes on the elliptical machine and my left foot is starting to stay where it is supposed to while I am working on the machine so I am very happy to watch my progress. It is crazy to think about how long it takes to re-build stamina after a little coma-stint.
So, I went to water aerobics and made it through the whole class, there were a few things I couldn't do because of pain in my left shoulder but I will have to talk to the instructor to find out what I can do instead.  After class several people sat in to hot tub and I joined them,of course the being at the gym means I am among people other than my friends and my family for the first time in almost a year - so leave it to me to spark the interest of a weird dude in the hot tub...there I was minding my own business and bamn - out of nowhere I get hit on in the hot tub.  So, I quickly got out of the hot tub and came pretty close to telling the weird dude that my boyfriend worked at the gym...of course I only know a few people at the gym and I don't know anything about their personal lives so I think its good that I escaped the situation without fibbing about an imaginary boyfriend!  Why me?  Seriously, haven't I been through enough lately?

Sandi & Bobby

originally written June 2010

My aunt and uncle are coming to visit this weekend for an extended weekend visit. I have to say I feel pretty special knowing that they are visiting because they want to see me (now that I am home from the hospital) and just make sure I really am doing as well as I say I am. I haven't seen them in a long time and they are always so much fun to be around so I am sure it will be a great visit! Jamie is coming home to join in the festivities and celebrate with us.

We had a wonderful time with Sandi and Bobby, they stayed at the hotel del in Coronado so we got to spend some time in Coronado too. Sandi and Bobby took the family to the coolest concert at Balboa theater in downtown San Diego. We saw a group called Straight No Chaser and I have to say, they were amazing! Here's some information straight from their website:



"If the phrase "male a cappella group" conjures up an image of students in blue blazers, ties, and khakis singing traditional college songs on ivied campuses... think again. Straight No Chaser (SNC) are neither strait-laced nor straight-faced, but neither are they vaudeville-style kitsch."



"Originally formed over a dozen years ago while students together at Indiana University, the group has reassembled and reemerged as a phenomenon – with a massive fanbase, over 20 million views on YouTube, numerous national TV appearances, and proven success with two holiday releases, 2008’s HOLIDAY SPIRITS and 2009’s CHRISTMAS CHEERS. In an era when so much pop music is the product of digital processing and vocal pro-tooling, Straight No Chaser is the real deal – the captivating sound of ten unadulterated human voices coming together to make extraordinary music that is moving people in a fundamental sense... and with a sense of humor."



If you get the chance you really should go see them! It was an amazing show and its hard to believe that there are no instruments in their show, just voices - extremely beautiful voices.



Sadly, our visit with Sandi and Bobby has come to an end. Jamie did spice up their visit by announcing that she is expecting a baby in December - holy crap, I am SO excited!  Sandi and Bobby head back to Atlanta today, I hope I get to see them again soon!

Back in the Kitchen

originally written June 2010

I finally cooked an entire dinner! We had our friends from across the street over for dinner tonight and I finally got to cook more than just one dish. My mom made the appetizer and the dessert, Beth brought the salad and I did the rest...it was damn good, if I do say so myself. I have really only slowly been making one dish at a time but somehow today it was possible for me to be in charge of more than one thing. It feels so good to get a piece of my life back, being in the kitchen and planning a menu just feels right to me. Yes, I have to think things through alot more now, it used to be second nature to me not I have to take things alot slower, but if I keep at it I will get there. Someday it won't be such a challenge to get a meal on the table, someday I will cook for friends, enjoy the evening and not have to be in bed by 9:00 pm afterwards.
I have been going through all of the crap I have stashed at my parents house over the years and good Lord, I have aot of stuff!  I did find old notebooks from culinary school and it brought back so many memories of being in school and living in Las Vegas...I'm thrilled to have found long lost, well-loved recipes!  I also found old photo albums and it  just makes me laugh, boys I have dated, fashions I felt that I could rock, my how things change....

Bunny Ears

originally written June 2010

So, today I went out to lunch with my Mom. We went out to the car and someone pulled in next to us, I glanced in their backseat and saw a shdow of what I thought was a kid wearing bunny ears, which made sense at sthe time, since tomorrow is Easter. I told my Mom about it and she said "I don't see a kid but I see their big dog. So yeah, really I saw a dog. When will I start using my new eyesight the right way?  This "new vision" has really thrown me for a loop - I never knew how easy I had it before and I miss being able to see things clearly without my glasses. Things have changed (obviously) and I need to remember to double check everything I think I see because more than likely I "saw" it wrong.  The ggod thing is that I had eye alignment surgery a few months ago, supposedly they came close to getting rid of the ever-present double vision.  Luckily I was not seeing with double vision all the time, apparently it was spaced far apart and I was able to block out seeing double most of the time - I don't know how and I don't understand why but that is just the way it was...not fun!  I just went back to the eye surgeon this past Monday and my alignment is at least 50 % better, there is the possibility of more surgery in the future if I want them to improve upon what they have already done...now we just wait and see...

Book Quotes:Friendship

Have you been lucky enough to find a great friend?  I can happily say that I have found many.  I have ladies in my life that make me laugh, these ladies can find the funny in just about anything.  These are the friends I know I can turn to when things get too rough or if I start feeling down about this perilous journey of recovering from a TBI (traumatic brain injury).  I honestly don't know where I would be today without such lovely friends.  I also feel blessed to know that my sister is not just my sister, she is my friend.  She celebrates my successes and mourns my failures.  She came out to Hawaii when I was injured and she has been such a good source of support and strength throughout this messy journey.  Here friends is where I will extend my thanks and my undying gratitude for standing by my side and willing me to get better when I couldn't even open my eyes.  You make a difference in my life and for that I will always hold you dear to my heart.   

"We could finish each other's sentences and use nicknames or code words that meade no sense to outsiders." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

                                              with Lauren on one of her visits to the Big Island

"we treasured our friendship like a rainstorm in a desert." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.

My family with Kate at the Muana Surfrider before she had to leave the island to head back to the mainland

                   Randy visited me at the hospital, we called Lauren together...I don't remember this at all
                                       (not bad for a guy that cannot stand to be near a hospital)

                                                  Tera and Sonja, at Queens hospital

                                        Tera helping me try to figure out my email passwords

                                            Misty, Tera, Kate and I, dinner in the backyard

                                              celebrating Tera's birthday...pre-accident

                                                  with Lauren at the beach in Oahu

"someone who looks effortlessly put together. one of those rare gals who women and men gravitated toward; the type of person my mother's generation would call lovely. Try as you might to find some reason to dislike her, you simply couldn't. She was intelligent, articulate, giving, and poised, with a wicked sense of humor." In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing, written by Lee and Bob Woodruff.